Friday, April 8, 2011

Kick Ass Customer Service

Sometimes people can be really, really stupid and in my job I’m not allowed to tell them how stupid they are being.  So I have decided to vent here.  Here are a few examples of what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Patient:  I need to schedule an appointment.

Me:  Well, it looks like you ‘No Showed’ your appointment that was scheduled for yesterday.  I can reschedule it but we won’t be able to get you in for another month.

Patient: WHAT?!?!  That’s ridiculous!  No one even called me to remind me of my appointment!!  It wasn’t my fault I missed it!

 Ok, seriously.  This is such a common happening that I wanted to make it #1 on the list of why people are stupid.  Guess what?  When you make an appointment I would probably be good idea to, oh I don’t know, maybe WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN so that you remember.  I am not your mother, I am not your keeper or your assistant.  The fact that I SOMETIMES call to remind you of your appointments is a courtesy, hence the name “COURTESY CALL.”  It’s time to act like the damn 57 year old you are and keep track of your own shit. K Thanks!


Patient:  I need my medication refilled.  The pharmacy says there are no fills left on it.

Me: Ok, sure.  No problem.  I’ll just have to send the request over to get approved by the doctor and we will fax the pharmacy back with a new prescription.

Patient:  Ok great.  About how long will that take?

Me:  Well your doctor won’t be in the office until tomorrow, so it will probably be tomorrow afternoon before it gets sent back.

Patient: WHHHHAAA????  I need it now!! I’m at the pharmacy NOW!!  I’m completely out of medication and I’m leaving for Jamaica/France/Portugal in five minutes!!!

So, you’re saying that 5 days ago when you took your DAILY medication and noticed there were only 4 pills left you said “Fuck it.” and decided to see exactly how long you could wait, knowing full well that you were leaving the country.  Well guess what, Ass-Jacket?  You get to go on vacation without your heart medication because you’re a moron and because I’m a bitch.  Have fun!  Try not to do anything too crazy or your heart will probably explode and you will probably die.

It's like I took a picture of my cubby hole...

Patient:  Yeah, I’ve had this back problem for like 5 years and I want to come in for an appointment to get it checked out.

Me:  Ok, let’s see…how about next Tuesday?

Patient:  Um, you don’t have anything for tomorrow?  It’s really painful…

Me:  No, sorry, tomorrow is already booked up.  I can have you see the doctor on call today?

Patient:  No, I have to go bungee jumping today.  Listen, I don’t think you really understand the pain I’m in…I have to come in tomorrow.  

Me:  Ok, let me speak with the nurse about putting you on the doctor on call schedule for tomorrow afternoon.  We usually can’t schedule DOC appointments for the next day, but I’ll see what I can do.  It would be tomorrow afternoon ok?

Patient:  No, it has to be tomorrow morning… I will be busy tomorrow afternoon with a book club meeting.   Look, this is ridiculous.  I don’t want to have to find a new doctor, but I will if I have too.  Obviously my doctor is too busy to see me in emergencies…  Can’t you just call one of the other patients scheduled for tomorrow and ask them to move??

Listen, you just told me you have been dealing with your “back pain” for 5 years, something tells me it’s not quite the “emergency” you make it out to be.  Second, I am bending over backwards to try to help you out, and you being a complete douche bag is not really going to make this go smoother.  I mean, I realize that you have random bullshit that no one cares about to do and everything.  So you have two options here; either you come in when WE can see you or you can fuck off.

Patient: Whew!  Sorry I’m late!  Traffic was bad and I thought my appointment was for 10:00 not 9:30 and I got a flat tire and ran out of gas at the same time then on my way walking here uphill in the snow there was this orphanage on fire and it was being attacked by a giant octopus so I had to rescue 7 children and I inhaled a lot of smoke which has made my cough really bad so even though I am 2 hours late for my appointment I’m going to need you to go ahead and see me NOW.

It wasn't until much later that Bob realized he probably shouldn't have been holding a gas can when trying to help save the orphans from the fire. 

Me:  I’m sorry, but there are no more openings for today.  We will have to reschedule your appointment.

Patient: NO WAY!  I can’t believe you would make me drive all the way out here then tell me I have to reschedule my appointment!!  I want to speak to your manager!

Me:  I’m very sorry, but the doctor has a full schedule today and he is already seeing the person who was scheduled after you…

Patient:  What a crock of shit!!  I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.  Do you know who I am?!  I’m never coming back here!!

I know, I know, you really think I am exaggerating.  But I’m not. (Ok maybe a tiny bit...) People really show up super duper late, with every lame ass excuse they can think of when we both know the truth, they were RUNNING THE FUCK LATE.  Hey, it happens.  Don’t try to make excuses, and don’t act like a little bitch when you have to reschedule.  It’s the way the world works.

There are literally hundreds of examples; these are just the situations I encounter EVERY DAY, usually more than once or twice a day.  And really, if you think about it, these people are bitching at someone who has access to their permanent medical record!  I could hand out Herpes left and right if I wanted.  (Not that I would because that would be illegal and I would never do anything like that, HIPAA police) Just don’t push your luck, assholes.


Pablo said...

Give them herpes, give them herpes!

The Tall One said...

It's almost scary how much alike we are. Seriously? TWINS.

Not only do we both hate the customer service area we are in, we blog about it. Awesome.

AND! You have long curly brown hair?! ME TOOOOO

I love your stories. And that clever little "win" you added it.

You're gooood.

I'm Susan Szold. said...

If one of ths cats is doing something very naughty (making pancakes and not offering me any, as an example), I give them a squirt from a spray bottle. I have, upon occasion, used this onmy children. It's very effective--I suggest you keeponw by your desk and use it on these flaming assholes. They'll back off quick.

Hilarious post. As usual.

CatZilla said...

@Pabs- I already did. Wait...that kind of sounds, I mean...I gave them fictional herpes...wait..that still sounds like..Oh, never mind.

@TTO- I KNOW! I was wondering if anyone was going to catch my "Win" Haha. Also, the books say "these are not real books" I'm so lame..

@Susan- I never even thought of a squirt bottle!! I could also use a rolled up piece of newspaper for the really aggressive ass-jackets...You're so SMART!

lifeshighway said...

Oh come on, the orphanage was on fire while being attacked by a giant octopus. Not only giant but PURPLE. Surely there is a teeny bit of compassion for purple octopus wrangling because as far as I am concerned Octopuses are the spiders of the sea.

Give the patient a medal of honor AND then reschedule.

CatZilla said...

LH- Hahaha, possibly a creativity bonus?

Andrea said...

hahahah! Thanks Kitty Cat! You made me laugh today! :) Keep it up! xoxox

tcutraveler said...

Oh I LOVE the "Do you know who I am..." part!
One time in high school, I was standing in line for food (cafeteria ladies can be s l o w). This huge group of basketball players cut in front of me, and I was like "hey, I was next!" So one really tall kid (you know MY stature) was like "uh, do you know who I am?" and I was like, "Some asshole cutting me in line? See ya" and got in front of him. I almost threw up because I can't believe I said that - but hey, I was hungry too!
But why do people think they can say that? Jerks.