Sunday, August 19, 2012

Meat Drink

When we moved from our big fancy apartment to this shit-hole apartment, it didn't come with a microwave.  The big fancy apartment had one built in, but apparently people around here prefer heating their leftovers over a campfire. (Side note- Shit-hole apartment kitchen also has no drawers wider than 5 inches. Because who needs a silverware drawer, right?)

No, really.  Our silverware tray sits in the cabinet just below the cups.

At first we like, "Oh well, we'll just buy one, no biggie." But then we didn't, and before we knew it there was no counter space to put a microwave on so we figured we could just live without one. People lived without microwaves for hundreds of years, right? I mean, housewives in the 50s made 5 course meals with nothing but a butter knife and a hand mixer, right?

Well sure, but you know what else they didn't have back then? Dietary staples like microwave popcorn, mini sausage breakfast biscuits and hot pockets. Sure, some of those things can be cooked in the oven, but I don't usually have the extra 17 hours that it takes to bake them.

Ok fine, we can live without these things, but for the love of God WHY CAN'T I QUIT BUYING THEM?!?!!? It's seem that every time I go to the grocery store I completely forget that we don't have a microwave and I buy all these damn frozen dinners and shit just so they can sit in the freezer and taunt me. When we finally do get a microwave again, I believe I'm going to make a smorgasbord of Hot Pockets and Popcorn and eat myself into a radioactive food coma.

Another dilemma we face with no microwave is the process of defrosting meat.  Which, of course, isn't a problem if you have your shit together and can remember to put your dinner meat in the refrigerator the night before. I do not have my shit together, so  I come home from work and dig the dinner meat out of the frozen, frosty depths and plunk it into a sink full of hot water.  Takes a little longer than the microwave method, but it works. Then, the other day, Big Dinosaur drank the meat water.

It was a normal day, I ran a sink of hot water on the left side to was a few dishes, then one on the right side to begin defrosting the meat. Only, the sink stopper wouldn't stop up the sink on the right side, so I gave Big Dinosaur the task of finding something to stop it up while I changed the baby. When I cam back to the kitchen, he had sucessflly stopped up the sink with a small plastic cup. Perfect.

We went on about our day, waiting for the meat to defrost, and when it was done I pulled the cup out of the drain and set it beside the sink. I made dinner, we ate, we sat in the living room. I was playing with the baby when I look over to see Big Dinosaur finishing off a drink....I recognized that cup.

Cat: Isn't that the cup you used to plug the drain for the meat?

Joe: I don't think so....IS IT?? This one was sitting BESIDE the sink.

Cat: Uhhh, yeah!! That's where I put the meat cup! You know, on the side of the sink? Where we put the DIRTY dishes?!?

Joe: Oh groose!! I drank the meat water!!!

Cat: *uncontrolable laughing* YOU DRANK THE MEAT WATER!!!!!

Joe: *gagging noises*

As hilarious as this was to me, it was equally un-hilarious to Big Dinosaur who was very concerned about consuming raw beef juice. So the next day I sent hm a text to check on him. "How ya feelin' Meat Drink?" He was fine. Not amused, and fine.

At least it wasn't chicken.

Beef Bacteria. YUM!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Now I know...

There are many things you learn when you become a mom, some basic things like how often babies like to be fed and how to swaddle them tightly so they wont cry; but then there are some things you learn that surprise you.  This post is about those things.

I’ve always been a coupon cutter, but before I was a mom it baffled me why there were so many coupons for batteries.  Who is buying all these batteries and what are they using them for?!  Why can’t there be more coupons for toilet paper instead??  Now I know…."WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE BATTERIES?!?!?!?  I swear I JUST bought some!!!  No, not that size, we need Quadruple G sized batteries.  Why the hell are batteries so damned expensive?!?! What do you mean the swing is already losing power?!  AAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!"

Before I was a mom, cleaning soggy food out of casserole dishes made me gag and nearly toss my cookies.  One of the first things I worried about when I found out I was pregnant was how I was going to handle getting peed, puked and pooped on.  Now I know….Sometimes laundry doesn’t get done for awhile, you dig through the pile, find the t-shirt with the least amount of spit-up on it and you carry on with your day.   When you get pooped on, you wash your hands, change out of your shirt and make a mental note NOT to pick that one back out of the pile to wear again tomorrow. 

I love sleeping; always have.  When I was little I would ask to go to bed hours before my bedtime and I would sleep in well past Saturday Morning Cartoons.  I worried that being woken up multiple times in the middle of the night wouldn’t fly well with me.  I worried that I would get frustrated and angry about not getting my beauty sleep.  Now I know…when that little noise wakes you up, it’s not anger you feel, it’s a split second of worry, and then you relax a little when you realize it’s a coo, not a cry.  And as soon as you stick your head over the bassinet and see the tiny, toothless, grinning person holding his feet and rocking side to side, there is no other feeling than pure joy.  Period.

Friday, April 20, 2012

We Had a Baby!

9 months.  Why do they call it 9 months? It's not you's 40 weeks.  Closer to 10 months really and since I didn't know for the first 8 weeks....and I was induced one week early...maaath is haaard....31 weeks.  That's how long I had been waiting for this day.  Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

I had been on "bed rest" for 2 weeks.  My stupid blood pressure was high and not going down so my doctor decided to induce my labor on Monday, March 5th.  Like I've said before, knowing when your going to have baby is like someone saying, "Hey, come to the hospital on this day.  We're going to put you through immeasurable pain then give you an amazing gift.  It'll be fun!"  Great.  Let's do it.

We had to show up the evening before and I wasn't going to be allowed to eat anything until after I delivered, so we met up with some of our closest friends at my favorite restaurant and I gorged myself until I could hardly waddle out of the place.

When we got to the hospital and were checking in, I could hear women moaning up and down the hallway.  Such a reassuring sound.  Pain.

The hospital staff was super friendly and seeing as how I have never been admitted to the hospital for anything in my life other than my own birth, you could say I was a little nervous.  Late that evening they started my on the first medication and gave me my first ever IV.  When I asked the nurse what I should expect from this med, she said "Well, it's supposed to soften and thin out your cervix to make it easier for you to dilate.  Honestly I've seen it throw women into full-blown labor within the hour...and I've seen it do nothing at who knows."  Great! That's super helpful.

That first night was long.  All the nurses kept saying, "Try to get some sleep, you'll need your strength tomorrow."  Again, very reassuring.  That's exactly what will get me to fall asleep!  Remind me that I will be in a battle with my vagina tomorrow.  Thanks!!  I missed my dog.  It's bullshit that you can't bring your dog to the hospital with you.  I think it would help a lot of people recover a hell of a lot faster if they could cuddle with their best friend.  Joe couldn't sleep.  The chair-that-folds-into-the-squeakiest-bed-in-the-unvierse wasn't too comfortable. 

Finally around 7 AM they started the Pitocin drip.  Alright!  Let's get this party started!  Around 10 AM my doctor came in with the worlds largest crochet hook and broke my water.  Yeah, it was dramatic.  I let the contractions roll until about Noon then decided it was time for drugs.  Gloooorious drugs!

My anesthesiologist was a rock star and was easily able to painlessly insert the huge ass needle into my back delivering the goods.  Sweet, sweet leg numbness.  Honestly, from the horror stories I had heard, I was more nervous about the epidural than labor itself.  Yeah, I had that all kinds of wrong.

By this time both mine and Joe's immediate families were there.  I progressed annoyingly slow but since I wasn't feeling any pain I just sat and read.  I was about half way through "The Book Thief" when I started feeling some contractions again. It was about 6 PM and the nurse had just let me know I was only at 6 centimeters dilated. Then the contractions got worse...and worse...and HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN THAT HURTS.  What the hell??! I have drugs!  I shouldn't be feeling like this...what the hell?!?  I kept pushing the little drug button, but the pain wasn't going away.  My mom and Joe's mom (who both kept reminding me that they had had their children naturally) kept telling me to breathe through it.  I didn't want to breathe through it, damnit!  I didn't want to feel it!

Around 7 PM the nurse came back in and said, "Oh....are you feeling contractions?"  Uh yeah bitch "Yessssss."  "On a scale of 1-10, how bad is the pain?" Mother-fucking 10 bitch! " least a 7 or 8?!"  "Oh wow, you shouldn't be hurting like that."  And she called the anesthesiologist back in and he shot me with another huge dose of drugs.  It helped a little, not a lot.  The nurse then let me know that I had progressed from 6 cm to 10 cm in the past hour and it was about to be time to push.

It took 15 hours for me to get from 1 cm to 6 cm.....and 1 hour to go from 6 cm to 10 cm.  No wonder the epidural couldn't keep up!  When the nurse told me I was at 10, I burst into tears.  I think it was a combination of pent up nerves, pain, and relief that it was finally time.  I pulled myself together and got ready then the nurse let me know that I may have to push for 2 hours or more. (Just full of helpful information, wasn't she?) Fuck that.  I looked at the clock, it was 8:25 PM.  I made my mind  up that minute that this baby would be out within the hour.

For the first 30 minutes of pushing, my doctor wasn't even there.  Joe was awesome, he kept a cold rag on my head when I wanted it and fed me ice.  He constantly told me how well I was doing.  I threw up from the effort of pushing and he handled it like a champ.  At one point I thought I was going to black out but I made myself stay awake.  I knew it would take longer if I passed out.

The doctor showed up, I pushed.  They got everything ready, I pushed.  I will never in my life forget the feeling of that last push.  He was here.  I sobbed with relief and joy, they put him on my chest.  He was wide awake and he just stared at me.  He was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my life, I was instantly madly in love.

The nurses took him off my chest and put him on the baby table.  He still wasn't crying.  He's supposed to be crying.  Why wasn't he crying?  The nurses were vigorously rubbing him all over, smacking him on the bottom of his feet.  He just looked at them like, "What the hell?!?!  Leave me alone!"  His color was great, nice and pink.  They called in the NICU team because he wasn't crying.  I was terrified.  My doctor kept telling me he was okay but I was still terrified.  The NICU team started laughing at the looks they were getting from the baby.  That's when I knew he was okay.  He just didn't want to cry.  And that's fine.

He was perfect in every single way, 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long, born at 9:32 PM on Monday, March 5th.  We had to stay in the hospital until that Wednesday and we went home.

Now, I have a happy, healthy 7 week old baby boy.  He is the light of my life and I would do anything in the world for him.  It's been an interesting 7 weeks, not a lot of sleep, but I'll talk more about our adventures in some next posts.  For now, we would like to introduce you to our baby.  Enjoy!

Big Dinosaur with Baby Dinosaur

"No pictures, please."


"Welcome to the Gun Show"

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Waiting Game

Well here we are, 39 weeks pregnant and feeling it.  My blood pressure has stabilized, (still high but not getting any higher) and all the other tests look great.  For a few days last week my doc was talking about inducing me this past Monday or Thursday, but now that everything looks good again, Baby Dinosaur is officially scheduled to launch his world tour on Monday, March 5th 2012.  Can't wait!
Poor Big Dinosaur, with all the back and forth with induction scheduling, he is just ready to have him here already.  He says, "It's like watching previews for a really great movie for 9 months then never getting to see it."  Oh darling, you will be front and center for the premier in no time at all.

I personally have mixed feelings about being induced.  On one hand, I want Baby Dinosaur to stay in as long as he wants to and come out when he's good and ready.  On the other hand it's sort of nice to be able to make plans around his Birthday.  Yet on the other hand (I have 4 you know, I can say that), knowing when I'm going to have a baby is scary as shit.  It's like someone saying, "Hey, come to the hospital on Monday and we're going to break both your legs then give you a magical gift!" and I just have to be like, "Ok, great!" (Side note- When I told my Step-Mom how I felt she said, "Psh,  you'll WISH they were just going to break both your legs!"  Thanks Mo! ;)
I wish I would have found THIS sooner....
Either way, we are ready for Baby.  Room is set up, car seat is installed, bottles are washed and diapers are stacked.  Big Dinosaur and I have been running around getting things all prefect.  I got my car detailed and he shaved his beard; we washed Bianca and brushed her teeth; I've made the entire house smell like sunshine and glitter. We are putting on a big front so the baby thinks we are capable adults.  At least...for awhile...

So as promised, here are some pics of the finished nursery.  Let me know what you think!

Notice the dangling yarn balls above the changing table?  This is my idea to distract Baby Dinosaur so he won't shit on me.  I'll let you know how it works.  Also, the deck chair will be replaced with an actual rocking chair at some point...

Baby has his own bathroom access, just in case he wants to get up and take care of business in the middle of the night.

His bed is nicer than mine and Big Dinosaur's....

 Awesome Dino Bedding.

Bianca wanted to be in the pictures tooo!!! Spoiled Rotten Dog.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Bianca Debate

For those of you who don't know, Bianca is our precious puppy that we adopted last year.  She is a 3 year old boxer/pitt mix and is the apple of our eye.  As much as Big Dinosaur and I love her, we argue about her frequently.  Well, not argue...more like we have a heated debate going and I'd like to get all of your opinions so that all of the internets will know I'm right and Big Dinosaur is wrong.  Again.

Here's the issue- One day about 2 months ago, I casually mentioned that I thought Bianca closely resembled a polar bear.  Thing is, I wasn't even talking to Big Dinosaur when I said it, I was talking to Bianca and he overheard.

Me to Bianca: You're just a big 'ol polar bear, arn't you?!?! Yes you are! Yes you are! (Don't give me shit, you know you talk to your animals like that too.)

Joe: Did you just call her a polar bear??

Me: Yeah....Doesn't she look like one?

Joe: Ha!  Uhh yeah, I guess if you remove the brown spots..and add about 400 pounds and a massive amount of fur...oh and of course the fact that SHE'S A DOG!!   You're crazy.

Me: It's not that far of a stretch.  To Bianca: Daddy doesn't have an imagination.

Joe: What?

Me: Nothing...

I know you can't tell, but I actually photoshopped this.

So Big Dinosaur proceeds to relay this story to all of our friends over the next few weeks and everyone gets a good giggle at my expense.  Seems no one agrees that our beautiful puppy resembles a massive polar beast.  But then, last week, out of the blue this happens:

Joe:  Bianca looks like an Ewok.

Me: Whhhaaaa??!?!  You mean the FICTIONAL characters from Star Wars? The ones that don't even exist?!?!  You think she looks like an Ewok. Seriously?!!?  More than a polor bear...and ACTUAL animal!

Joe: Ok, ok I walked into that one.

Me: Oh yeah, you did.  I don't even remember seeing any WHITE Ewoks.  I'm pretty sure they don't come in white.  How could you hide in the forest if you were a white Ewok?  You couldn't.  Oh yeah, and not to mention the fact that THEY DON'T EXITS!!!

Not even close to believable.

So the debate began.  I say polar bear, Big Dinosaur says Ewok.  Kind people of the internets, I would like to leave it up to you.  What do you think?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Bed Rest, Smed Rest.

So, turns out I SUCK at being on "bed rest."  There is just so much to do and I only have 2 weeks to do it!  Baby Dinosaur will be here before we know it and the nursery doesn't even have pictures on the wall!  He is going to get here and be like, "Seriously, mom?  You couldn't even hang a damn picture?!"  And to that I'll say, "You're lucky you have a crib and won't be sleeping in the laundry basket!" which was my original plan but it seems having your infant sleep in a laundry basket is frowned upon.

Seriously though, we were blessed with a huge family and group of friends who have given us enough baby supplies to last thought the first 10 years or so.  Thank you all :) Here is one of my favorites.

Thanks Mandy-Loo!!!

I wish I could sit here and tell you all the horror stories about being pregnant because it would be hilarious, but it turns out...I was MADE for this shit.  I've had the easiest, non-complicated preganancy in the history of the world and I would like to pubicly give credit to my Amazonian Woman ancestors and my mom for the kick ass breeding.

I've had no sickness, morning or other, no crazy hormone rages. I've only gained 40 lbs, and yeah, that's on the high side but I'm pretty sure Baby Dinosaur will come out weighing 20 lbs, so there's half right there!

I have been a little emotional, an OnStar commercial on the radio made me bawl like a baby the other day, and I start crying at random points in everyday conversations which tends to freak people out a bit.  But so far the only medical issue I've had is this stupid blood pressure thing.  It keeps being high and I keep telling it to chill the fuck out, but it keeps not listening so my doctor put me on "bed rest."  Which is okay because I just get to extend my maternity leave to 2.5 months instead of 2.

One thing I wasn't prepared for, the BOOBS.  My simple little Bs inflated to Ds overnight and from what I hear, they are going to get even bigger!  Then smaller...and flatter....and then they will miraculously get plasticier.  Yeah, just made that word up.  Plasticier, definition: Containing more plastic than previously thought possible.

So I'm off, I must reorganize the nursery..again.  Maybe once I have it all set up I will post pics. And then once I reorganize it again, I will post pics of that too.  For now, here is a sneak preview.

Why yes, the theme IS Dinosaurs.  How did you guess?!

Thursday, February 9, 2012


HI INTERNET!!!  I'm back!  We decided to try to save money so we cut out our cable and internet for the past 6 months.  And guess what? We didn't spend money on the cable/internet for 6 months.  You know what we did spend it on?  Because I sure as hell don't.  I know I don't have a pile of saved money laying around, that's for sure.

So I decided that since we were spending the money anyway, we might as well get cable/internet back, and I didn't have to twist Big Dinosaur's arm too far before he caved.  After all, it's pretty hard to deny a huge ass pregnant lady anything she wants.

Bianca and I, about a month ago.  Huge. Ass. Pregnant.

Speaking of huge ass pregnant ladies....I'm a HUGE ASS PREGNANT LADY!!  I am currently 36 weeks with our son and holy shit, y'all, have I got some fun stories to tell!  There is a lot they don't tell you about being pregnant.  I think other moms don't want to scare younger women out of having kids so they keep all this shit secret, then when you experience all these fun side effects their all, "Oh yeah, that's normal."  Thanks.  Could have told me about "lightning crotch."  Thanks.

But for now, I just wanted to let you all know I'm BACK and I'll be keeping up more frequently.