Sunday, February 27, 2011

I can fit almost 13 in my mouth at a time...

Oh it’s one of my favorite times of year. The weather is getting warmer, I get to put my damn plants back outside AND the most precious snack of the year gets delivered. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. Girl. Scout. Cookies.

One of our docs in the office has 2 daughters in the Scouts, so I of course was professionally obligated to order some. When I ordered 7 boxes she looked at me funny so I quickly said, “Oh, I have to order for a couple of friends too…” Yeah, my right and left thigh…

So I waited patiently for my boxes of chocolate covered gold to come in and when the day came I realized that other people in the office had only ordered 1 or 2 boxes. Don’t these people know that they only sell this shit once a year?!? Me? I got 2 boxes of Samoans (I am very aware they are called Samoas. I prefer to call to Samoans so I can pretend they were made by jolly, overweight Pacific Islanders. So sue me, bitches.) 2 boxes of…the blue ones?? and 3 boxes of the Holy Grail of Girl Scout Cookies, the beloved Thin Mints.

Thin Mints = Crack

The problem with these delicious rolls of minty chocolate wafers is that you can’t stop eating them. You set out to only eat, let’s say half a roll, and the next thing you know you’re 3 rolls in and looking around like a rabid cave-dog trying to protect the last bit of meat. So what did I do? I decided to hide them from myself and put them in the freezer. But of course, when you know you have something delicious hidden from yourself you can’t stop thinking about it. Every second of every day that is not actively spent doing something else is spent thinking about the damn delicious cookies in the freezer and when you will get to eat them.

Of course the next day comes around and as I love to treat myself for doing good things, like not eating them for 12 hours, I broke the cookies out of their frozen captivity only to discover they are even better frozen. So I put the rest of them in the freezer too. Except for the Samoans…that just didn’t seem right…they are used to tropical climates you know…

"Talofa!!  I made this delicious, circular cookie with chocolate, coconut and caramel for you!!"
Side note-  I just noticed the coconuts on the palm tree in the Samoan picture soooortof look like testicles.  Accidentally on purpose?? You decide.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm a nice person, DAMNIT!!!!!

This past Friday I was going to Angel’s house to hang out like we always do and I stopped by the liquor store for some booze, like I always do. As I walked up to the front door I see something on the ground. People are just walking by it, not paying any attention, so I just assume it’s trash. As I get closer though, I realize it’s not trash at all. It’s a WALLET!! A shiny, black, leather wallet. A man’s shiny, black, leather wallet. I eyeball it suspiciously like it’s a trick and someone has fishing line tied to it and they are going to snatch it away as soon as I reach for it then tell me I’m a bad person for thinking about picking it up.

Good thing I found it before that sleeping homeless dude...

My heart throbs in my throat as I stand over it for a few seconds looking around and waiting for someone to yell at me to get away from their wallet. But nobody does! There are a few credit cards shining up at me, and the edge of a twenty peaking out to say, “Oh, HI!” I bend down and pick it up and still no one yells at me. The thought crosses my mind for an instant to just stick it in my purse. I mean, nobody is looking right? Who would know?...

I said “for an instant,” people! Jeez! So quick to get judgy, aren’t we?!! I carried the wallet into the liquor store holding it out in front of me like a dirty diaper. I didn’t want anyone to think for one second I was trying to steal it because Karma is a bee-otch and she will kick your ass for doing shit like that!

The way I strut through the store screams, “Hey everyone!! Look at meeee! I’m doing something NICE!!” When I get to the counter to turn it in I’ve got this snide little smirk on my face. I hand over the wallet and say, “I found this in the parking lot. I’m sure someone will be coming back for it.” This is where shit gets messed up. The woman at the counter takes it from me and with a look of utter disgust, says “Uhh. Okay?” And puts the wallet on the counter where anyone larger than a kindergartner could reach it.

What. The. Fuck?? She didn’t thank me on behalf of the person who lost the wallet, she didn’t praise me for doing “the right thing,” she didn’t tell me what an exemplary human being I was, she didn’t do SHIT! There wasn’t even a certificate saying, “Award for Goodness!” No gold star or “Great Job” sticker, no nothing!! It made me want to snatch the wallet back from her and go find someone else who would APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I AM A GOOD GODDAMN PERSON!

Sheesh. This is why people don’t do nice things anymore. I’m not saying I need to get a huge reward; some recognition with words of praise would have been completely adequate. Like maybe she could have gotten on the loud speaker and got everyone’s attention. “ATTENTION LIQUOR STORE CUSTOMERS: This woman has just returned a wallet and she didn’t steal anything out of it first. I repeat: She DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING. The rest of you ass-jackets could learn a lesson from this woman. Also, Captain Morgan’s is on sale. That is all, carry on.” (She looked like the type of person who would call people “ass-jackets.” That was her, not me.)

Certificate of Goodness WITH gold stars.  Fuck yes.

Needless to say, the next time I stumble across a wallet or diamonds or pirate gold or amphetamines, I’m totally not turning that shit in.

Sunday, February 13, 2011


Sorry I've been MIA for the past week, but I guarantee I'm working on something you'll love.  Meanwhile, here is some random shit I did this week.

Saw this sign at a gas station:

Ok, let's go over this together.  "Milk Gallons, $3.89 each, when you buy 2, one at regular price."  What??  I am just retarded or does this make NO SENSE whatsoever?  Not only that, but at the bottom it said "Limit 2."  Do you people understand why I'm usually not paying attention when you talk?  It's because I'm thinking about shit like this sign and trying to figure it out.  Seriously.

I had to make deviled eggs for a bridal shower because, let's face it, I make the worlds most amazing deviled eggs ever.  And I found not one, but TWO eggs that had twins.

This kinda freaks me out.  Usually I don't really think about the fact that when I'm eating eggs I'm actually devouring tiny, unformed chicken fetuses.  Something like this really brings it back to the forefront of my mind, you know?  Plus, never in my life have I seen chicken fetus twins and on this day there were two!!  Big Dinosaur was excited because he wants me to have twins someday (I'm pretty sure he thinks we get to choose how many babies we have at a time...) and he says it's an omen.  I just think it's strange.

Also, I got two new FISHES!!!

I know I'm not very creative with their names.  It's not like you can "wait and see what their personality is like."  If that were the case they would all be named Hungry and Swimmy.  Spotty looks depressed in his picture, but don't worry, he's not.  He just had some gas.

Welp, that's about all you missed.  Oh, except me and my two besties hung out at the casa and got shitcanned got hammered had a few drinks.  Then we decided to play with the new camera effects on my iPhone.  I'll leave you with those results.  See you soon!

Morgan on the left, Angel in the back, and CatZilla herself on the right.

This is the look of, "Over it."
Note~ I have another one of just Angel and Morgan in a drunken loving embrace where they are falling over.  I have left it off because they asked me to and I'm a nice person.  Don't piss me off bitches, or that shit is getting posted!  Love you!  Mean it!

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Great Freeze of 2011, Part Deux

Yesterday I looked Death in the face and almost peed myself whimpered cried a little laughed! After staying home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday due to a 3 inch layer of ice covering all of North Texas, I drove in to work. Big Dinosaur got to stay home Tuesday, but then he went in Wednesday and told me the roads weren’t so bad. So Thursday morning I got up, showered off the two days of grime that had collected and drove in to work.

Guess what? Big Dinosaur LIED!!! All the side roads were still icy as shit! The highways were a little better, in places they were completely covered but for the most part if you stayed within the two tiny tire grooves going down the exact center of each lane, you were ok. Only problem? I can’t even walk in a straight line, and you want me to keep both tires in these little trails? Yeah, sure.

Not to mention, that involves a level of concentration that I simply don’t poses! I would be driving along, doing my nice and safe 10 miles per hour, focusing real hard to stay in the lines, then I would get bored…change the radio station…look over there…oh that’s neat…OH SHIT!! Got out of the groove! Slid into 6 inch thick pile of frozen sludge in the center and shot into the next lane. Back to focusing real hard.

Went on like this for the entire hour and a half it took me to drive into Downtown Dallas, which by the way is usually only a 30 minute drive. By the time I got to work I was absolutely mentally exhausted from all the brain power. Ridiculous.

Then of course you have all the idiots driving around at like 80 threatening to ram into my pretty little car. And the ones who were mad at my 10 MPH pace and would get all up on my ass, pressuring me…go AROUND jackass!!

Our cities are not able to deal with this shit. We put sand on the ice. Now, I’m sure sand serves some function that I’m not aware of, like "traction" or "decoration," but the only thing I could tell that it did was make brown ice. Confusing as hell. Oh, look! That area isn’t icy, it’s dirt. Noooo motherfucker, it’s BROWN ICE. I don’t get the logic behind that one.

Another thing I still don’t understand, but have heard a lot lately, “black ice.” I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m fairly certain that it is ice made by Satan that will magically appear in front of you when you least expect it. I can assure you that I did encounter quite a bit of Satan ice.

Also, in Texas we don't have "blizzards," we have "Thunder Snows."  Yeah, basically a snow/ice/poison/death storm which also includes 70 mile per hour winds, thunder and lightning.  We do it big here.

The way home from work was no better, as the temperature didn’t exceed 23 for the day. I at least fared better than Shanna on her way home.  She was taken out by a speeding psychiatrist from our work, surprise, surprise.

Icy car fire ensued.
Once I got home, I kissed the ground. The dirty, brown ice ground. On the news last night they were saying we would get about a half inch of snow over night. Well, that’s no big deal. I can go into work in that.

Then we woke up this morning to this:

A half inch you say? Oh, you meant to say a half foot? Gotcha. Now we have 6 inches of snow on top of 3 inches of ice.  fantastic!  It’s been snowing it’s ass off all morning and it’s not supposed to stop until after noon.  I texted my boss, Rebecca to let her know I wouldn't be coming in today and she sent this back:

Rebecca's G-Ride stuck in snow 5 feet out of her parking space.  Sweeet!  At least she tried, right?
 So, I texted Shanna to see if she was going in and got this:

That's a negative, Red Rider.
 Obviously not very many of us made it into the office today.  I called and they had 3 doctors, 4 nurses and 0 phone help.  Sorry dudes, one day's salary wouldn't cover my deductible or medical bills when I crash and my car explodes into an icy car fire.

My brother sent me this diagram that explains exactly how we southerners feel about snow days:
Nails it on the head.  Sorry it's all crazy, sterroid big but I wanted you to be able to read it.  You're welcome.
 I wish I was the genius that came up with this, but I'm not.  I tried to locate the creator with some half assed extensive google research but was unable to find anything, so if you know who made this, let me know, I would like them to get credit for this masterpiece.
While doing my research I found that some of the country is making fun of us here in The South:

Got this from failblog.  Guess what?  Dallas had to borrow snow plows from other cities because they had zero.

This came from a Seattle, Washington newspaper, Komo News.  Article was titled, "Southerners Struggle in Heavy Snow." Jerks.

Well guess what, Washington, we’re not used to it. Give us a break, Yo!

I'll leave you with a few other random pictures from The Great Freeze of 2011.  I'm sure there will be more before this is all over.  Sheesh.
True love?  When they pump gas for you during a Thunder Snow because you let your tank run allll the way down to below empty because, "It's too cold to get gas!"
The only place open during a Thunder Snow? Good ol' Whataburger. We can always count on you, my love!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

You forgot to mention, "You might shit your pants."

Here’s the post I promised you two days ago. Don’t judge me. I am easily distracted by shiny objects and snow and shit. Also, it’s very hard to draw pictures on the computer when you’re smashed. Plus I’ve been reading The Stand By Stephen the King and it has me completely sucked in and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Anyway, here ya go.

I, like the rest of the women in America, am in a constant battle with my weight. A battle slowly but surely being won by my pant size. I blame my shitty will-power and the fact that I always succumb to peer pressure. I usually start out with such great intentions which last about a week. This story is just one in a list of many, I assure you.

Flash back about 4 ½ years ago. Big Dinosaur and I had just started dating and life was good. I wasn’t “overweight” back then, but of course there are always those 5-10 vanity pounds you want to lose. (Now days it’s more like 30-50 lbs.)

A new weight loss medication had just hit the market, and it was all the rage. Alli, it was called. Some women considered it a miracle drug. I hadn’t heard much about it when my mom gave me a bottle. She had just said she “didn’t like it.” So why not then? What could it hurt?

News flash: I don't own the rights to alli.  Surprised??

I’ve never been much of a “label reader” or “instruction follower” so here is exactly as much as I knew about Alli when I began taking it:

1- Alli sounds like Ally. The Allies in WWII were our friends. Ally = Friend. Alli = Good. Yay!

2- Take 3 pills a day. One before every meal. Check.

3- The bottle is very colorful! I like colorful things!

4- The capsule is a really nice shade of blue and it comes with this neat little blue case to keep just 3 pills in. Cool.

5- Wynonna Judd endorses it on TV. Says it “helps he make the right choices.” I like her.

The week begins as any normal “starting a new diet” week. I took my cute little blue pills before every meal and I ate my healthy little turkey sandwiches and brown rice. Alli didn’t really give me that jittery, energetic, I-can-lift-a-God-damn-car-over-my-head feeling which was pretty disappointing, but hey, I’ll stick with it. I mean, if it’s good enough for Wynona Judd then it’s good enough for me! Aren’t I such the good little American Consumer?
Then comes Friday. Big Dinosaur and I had a date that night so I was pretty excited. We’d planned on dinner and a movie, great! I pop my little blue pill and off we go. Now you must understand, I’m the type of person that if I do something really well for any length of time, like say eat a healthy diet for 4 days, I like to reward myself with treats. (FYI-This is why 99.9% of my diets FAIL)

We decided on Hooters for dinner because…it’s delicious, obviously. I order myself a nice big beer and sit down for my reward for being so very good all week. We stared out with an order of hot wings, of course; I mean, it IS Hooters. After that I ordered a cheeseburger and curly fries with some of their famously delicious jalapeno cheese sauce to dip it in. I sure do love all things cheesy!

In hindsight, I may have gone a smidgen overboard with the curly fries.
 About 15 minutes after we eat, I feel that little “rumbley-in-my-tumbley” that lets me know we will need to swing back by the house before going to the theatre. I’ve never been a public pooper and no way was I going to start at Hooters. Big Dinosaur’s house was closer than mine, so we head that way.

I’m sure there are some of you who know what’s coming. Don’t ruin the surprise for the others!

By the time we make the 3 minute drive to Big Dinosaur’s house, I am fighting back tears. I have never had to shit so badly IN MY LIFE. I do that funny little run-waddle through his house to the bathroom, and for a second, I really honestly don’t think I will be able to keep up the clench long enough to get my jeans down. By the grace of God I made it.

That next half hour is a little fuzzy. I’m pretty sure I blacked out a few times. Everything I had eaten in my entire life shot out of my body with a violence I would not wish on my worst enemy. I remember Big Dinosaur knocking on the door once to ask if I was okay. I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Intestines…out….GO AWAY!!!” Every time I thought it was over it would just start up again. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the movie.

This went on for the next two days. TWO DAYS. 2 hours in the bathroom, 10 minutes out. 2 hours in, 10 minutes out. Every time I got off the toilet I would check to make sure none of my internal organs were floating around in it. I really don’t care about most of ‘em, but I need that liver damnit. During one of these...poo viewings...I saw a piece of gum I had swallowed at age 5. (Cheated the system on that, eh?) I couldn’t eat. I could only sleep in shifts. It. Was. Fucking. Intense.

During that weekend of confinement in the bathroom, all I could think about was Wynonna Judd. That lying bitch! Alli didn’t “help you make the right choices” it ruins your fucking life when you don’t! It’s called negative reinforcement training, people, and believe it or not, it even works with animals of other species too! Cat jumped on the counter? Squirt it with a water bottle. Dog peed in the house? Smack it with a rolled up news paper. Human won’t stop eating things that are bad for it?!? You get the idea.

"Hi, I'm Wynonna Judd and I'm a filthy liar."

Also while confined to the bathroom, I made up my mind that I was going to sue Alli for serious physical anguish and Wynonna Judd for using her powers of persuasion for evil instead of good, but while I was sitting on the potty, looking up attorneys in the phone book, the realization hits me that I should probably read the bottle to make sure there weren’t any warnings which would keep me from winning my lawsuit.
I find the bottle and give her a read. Hmm, ok, ok…blah…blah…blah…Oh! Here we go. “Alli works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat.” Hesus Christos! What would have happened if it blocked ALL the fat I ate…*shudder*

“The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes.” Huh. Makes sense…although I don’t think the term “passing out of your body” really covers it. I would have said something like “ejects from your body at an unmatched velocity.”

“You may get:

• Gas with oily spotting. Nope, must have skipped that step completely I suppose.

• Loose stools. Doesn’t even begin to describe it.

• More frequent stools that may be hard to control.” Well doesn’t that sound all delicate and dainty? You BASTARDS!

They must pay some guy a shit-ton of money to come up with this wording. We should make a new label with the actual side effects. I call for full disclosure, people!!

• If you eat anything that tastes good, you might shit your pants.

• Not just once, many, many times.

• You will not be able to leave the bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time.

• Wynonna Judd is a dirty mouthed LIAR.

I will even design the label for them, so there will be no future confusion for other people like me who don’t actually read the teeny-tiny print on the side of the bottle before ingesting their witch crafted poison.

See?  No further explanation needed.

The use of black and red and yellow coveys DANGER to even illiterate people. The skull and crossbones helps to further explain this products full intent.  I think people will appreciate the honesty, don’t you?  I should be a marketing manager or something.
The only bright side to all of this? I did lose 5 pounds from the emptying of my entire digestive tract. WIN!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Great Freeze of 2011

Holy crap y'all!!  Shit got real last night.  North Texas as a whole is covered in a solid, 3 inch layer of ice.  They shut down DFW Airport for a few hours this morning.  Shut. It. Down!  Needless to say neither I or Big Dinosaur went to work today.  After watching the 13 big rigs pile up on one of our major highways, I decided it would be best that my tiny little car not test it.  Flippin' CRAZY!!

So everything was fine at first.  We bundle up under blankets and turn on the TV to watch all the other idiots sliding around.  I bet the Packers and the Steelers think us Texans are nuts!  We can't handle this crap y'all! 

 Then after a little while, it hits me.  We are stuck in the apartment for God knows how long and...

WE HAVE NO BOOZE!!!!   Also, maybe not too much to eat...but more importantly NO BOOZE!!!!!  What are we going to do?!?!

After about an hour and a half of me bitching, begging, crying and threatening him, I finally convince Big Dinosaur that we must venture out for the sake of my sanity and his safty.  And, of course, for the sake of my alcoholism.  Here are some pics.

This is Big Dinosaur telling me to be careful on the stairs.  Yeah, duh.  Then I almost busted my ass at the bottom of the stairs.  Yay, me!
Observe: the Native Texans trying to adjust to their new surroundings of solid ice.  They seem to be having a trouble with foot placement and proper attire.  They won't last long in this harsh environmet...

At least I had boots on!  And I found that snazzy scarf in the bottom of our closet.  Yesss.

So, we get in Big Dinosaurs '77 Chevy and prepare for our voyage.  Only problem?  Big Dinosaur can't get the beast into 4 wheel drive.  So we are stuck in the parking lot.  Panic sets in as I realize my precious booze is getting further out of reach.

Big Dinosaur is pissed that his truck is screwed up; I'm pissed because the shakes are setting in.  No one is happy. 

I decide we must go on foot.  He is not pleased.  Obviously, I win.
I wanted to take pictures on our walk, but my fingers froze and fell the fuck off, sorry about that.  The walk wasn't very interesting anyway.  Lots of ice, lots of slipping, thankfully no falling, and eventually we made it to the store and back! Yay!

Glorious success!!  I will be able to survive at least two days, if I ration myself, and I think Big Dinosaur got us some of those huge, gas station burritos while we were there so that we wouldn't have to eat that tub of butter for dinner.  Not that I would have minded, the butter and the burritos probably have about the same nutritional value anyway.