Monday, January 31, 2011


Hi people.  Ok, just so you know, I'm working on a really fantastic inspirational special post which should be ready to go for tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I just wanted to share some completely unrelated thoughts for the day.

First and foremost I would like to officially blame this crazy winter weather (which will formally be known as "The Great Freeze of 2011") on the arrival of the Packers and the Steelers in Dallas today for the upcoming Super Bowl.  The high tomorrow is to be 15 degrees with a wind chill of 0.  (Zero, y'all!) Also we will be having freezing rain and snow. (SNOW, y'all!!)

Now, I know some of you reading this are used to this kind of weather, (I'm looking at you Susan) but we here in The Great State of Texas are NOT.  We can't handle it, we're not prepared for it and quite frankly we just don't like it! I don't even own a coat thick enough to endure this shit.  Packers, Steelers...hurry up and go home and take your weather with you.  K thanks.
I miss our beatuiful Summer Sunsets!

Second, I received a call the other day at work from a woman whose mother was a patient in our office.  She asked me to have the doctor tell her mother that she is not allowed to eat chips and queso.  Ok, that in itself is a little strange, but by far not the strangest request I have seen.

So I pull up the patient's chart and find out that the lady is 98 years old. Ninety Eight.  Ok, fuck that!  As most of you know, I have a great love for all things cheesy, chips and queso ranking about numero uno on that list. 

You can bet your sweet ass that if I make it to 98, I'll be eating chips and queso for every damn meal if I want to, as well as drinking Maker's Mark directly out of the bottle every day, and there is nothing you or my hypothetical daughter can say about it.  Got it?!

I mean, queso wasn't even INVENTED when this lady was born!!  Let her enjoy it, damnit!!  Am I wrong?? 

That is all.  Carry on.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Drugs: Why They're Awesome!!

Whoa people!  Don’t get all judgy on me.  I don’t judge you do I?  Of course I do.  Besides, I’m not talking about those crazy ass street drugs.  You know: crack, smack, punk, juice, weeze, sticky, yuck, clink, lick, chew, popsicle.  None of that crap.  (Note- I seriously just made most of those drug names up, so if you invent a new street drug and decide to use one of my names, I hereby mandate that it be called CatZilla’s [insert random drug name].  Also, said drug can’t kill people.  Except mean people.  That’s fine.)
I’m talking about the splendid cocktail of prescriptions and over the counter medications I take by the handful, on a daily basis.  Yep, that’s right.  All legal bitches!  Well, I'm pretty sure they're all legal anyway.  Maybe one I'm not sure about...Regardless, I love them all so much I drew you a picture of them!

Oh Skinny!  You so crazy!  Get up!
Look at those guys!!  Aren’t they just the best group you’ve ever seen??  Let me introduce you.
Far left, that laughable little fellow is Skinny.  He crazy!  Honestly, I wish I could tell you what he was made of, but he comes out of a bottle that has nothing but Chinese writing on it so…fuck if I know.  What I do know is that he makes it really easy for me to only eat a tiny turkey sandwich for lunch and be completely fine with it.  Not to mention he helps me get my work done and he gives me those little heart murmurs palpitations flutters that I just can’t live without!  Plus, I’ve lost 16 pounds since we’ve met.  LOVE HIM!!
Next up is Happy.  Happy really shouldn’t even be included in this family portrait because he’s about to be fired and replaced.  He can’t seem to handle his job responsibilities and has been slacking a lot lately.  I mean seriously, all he has to do is give me the motivation to get out of bed on a daily basis and prevent me from going bat-shit crazy and trying to scratch out other peoples’ eyeballs.  Is that really too much to ask?  No, no it isn’t.  I’ll update you when New Happy comes along.
After that, we have Sleepy.  Oh, Sleepy.  How I love thee.  When Sleepy’s not around things can go real bad, real fast.  Between Skinny wanting to party all the time and Happy sucking at his job, Sleepy is a glorious escape into the wondrous land of dreams.  Where we all frolic and play and dance under the moon to our little heart’s content!  This is good for y’all, because dreamland is where I come up with most of this shit.  You’re welcome.
Last, but not least, we have Healthy.  Healthy is an over the counter generic really expensive daily vitamin and he happens to be supremely magical.  For real y'all.  No matter how much booze I drink, deep fried ranch dressing I eat, cigarettes I smoke or unknown Chinese diet pills I take, Healthy makes it alllll better.  Like a big, giant vice eraser.  He’s my vitamins, my exercise and my piece of mind all in one!  As long Healthy is around I’ll never die!!  Yep, you heard that right, daily vitamins make me IMMORTAL!!  Of course that’s just my opinion.  And I’d hope by now y’all realize that I happen to be legitimately insane.
There is one main ingredient to my daily regimen that’s not pictured though.  “Why?” you ask?  Because he gets his very own portrait.

I love him and he loves me and we're getting married and YOU CAN'T STOP US!!!
My dearest Lo-Carb Monster.  What wouldn’t I do for you and at least two of your friends every day?  Your delectable mixture of…whatever the hell you’re made of… is my life blood.  We have a romance that surpasses all others.  You and I will be together forever.  FOR-EV-ER.  Others may drink you, but they don’t appreciate you for all that you are and I know that you really only exist for me.  You and I my love, we’ll go far. 

One thing my amazing drugs can't do for me?   Help me figure out how to conclude my posts.  Someone should invent a pill for better conclusion skills/sumairization abilities/end this post capabilities and let me endorse it here to my TEN (that's right bitches, I have TEN now) loyal followers.  Where the hell is that Cam guy when I need him???  Shit.

PS- Dear Company That Makes Lo-Carb Monster and its Other Famous Drinks:
I swear if you send me lifetime free Lo-Carb Monster I will plug your shit on a daily basis.  My followers will abandon me like a herpes infected tube of chap stick, but it will be worth it

*Don't worry guys, it won't happen.  Maybe.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I got my first product endorsement request!!!

If you don’t read a lot of blogs or don’t blog yourself, you may not know this but companies frequently send “successful” blog writers e-mails requesting them to promote or review their products (Not really sure why they sent me one...)  Now that sounds all fine and dandy until you realize that they want you to do this for free or possibly for a small supply of saltine crackers.  Either way, you pretty much give them free advertising.
Their initial e-mails are computer generated and usually make no sense what so ever.  I was a little disappointed that this e-email wasn’t all that ridiculous, only had a few um, errors?  Wanna see?!?  Of course you do!

Cameron Kane On Behalf Of CSNPromoTeam <>
"" <>
Fri, Jan 21, 2011
Unique Opportunity With CSN Stores

Good Morning!
My name is Cameron and I work on the Promotions Team at CSN Stores. I came across your blog recently and wanted to reach out to you for a potential partnership. You may have seen CSN Stores around the blogosphere as we are currently running promotions with a variety of different sites and thought you might be interested in working with us!
With over 200 unique sites, ranging from cookware to
fitness equipment and more.  We carry just about everything (including the kitchen sink...).
We would love to help you reward your US and Canadian readers with a CSN gift code giveaway. It's a great way to give back to your loyal followers as well as draw in new audiences! Plus your winner gets to pick exactly what they want from our inventory of over 2 million products! And if you think a review would be a better fit for you and your readers, we could certainly discuss that option as well.
Let me know if this sounds like a something you would be interested in and we can discuss the details!
Thanks for your time,

I KNOW!!! Awesome right?!?  I didn’t want to be rude and not respond, so I sent him this:

From: Cat Robinson <>
To: Cameron Kane On Behalf Of CSNPromoTeam <>
Date: Fri, Jan 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Unique Opportunity With CSN Stores

Wow, Cam!!  Who knew you had so much time on your hands that you googled “CatZilla” and made it all the way to page 127 to be able to “come across” my blog!  That’s dedication, Dude! 
I’m sorry to say that I have absolutely no idea what CSN stands for, or what your stores sell, but I can only hope it’s for “Criminal Supplies Nationwide” or maybe “Cannibalistic Satanists Network.”  Either of these would be pretty freekin exciting. 
Wait, cookware and fitness equipment??  What exactly did you read in my blog that makes you think I would want to endorse cookware and fitness equipment??  You really should let me know so that I can remove it because that is pretty much exactly the opposite of the things I would endorse.  I mean, if you were selling hand guns and booze maybe we could have a deal.  Or even if you were selling vats of nacho cheese.  I totally would have promoted your company if you sent me a free vat of nacho cheese.  
And you really didn’t need to rub it in that I only have 7 “loyal followers” as you put it.  That’s sort of below the belt.
Wow Cam, I really thought we had something going for a minute.  Now I realize you don’t even know me.  What a letdown. 
But Cam, if you change your mind and DO want to send me free hand guns, booze or nacho cheese, please let me know. 
CatZilla Herself

As of right now I still haven’t heard back from my new friend Cam, but I really hope that it’s just because he is trying to get permission from his boss to send me guns.   I’ll let you know if I hear anything.  Happy Friday, Bitches!!

EDIT- Sorry the first e-mail is all running everywhere on the page.  I'm retarded and don't know how to fix

Monday, January 17, 2011

Oh, and Remeber:

Not all unicorns are majestic and graceful.  This is Frank.


The Fire

 As I’m driving home from work today I saw a huge, black plume of smoke over in the distance.  It was obvious something was on fire.  Cool.  As I kept driving it got closer and closer, so then I started getting kind of excited because it looked like it might be on my route home and seeing stuff on fire is AWESOME! (Don’t judge me.  You know you like seeing stuff on fire too, bitches.)
So I turn down Northwest Highway and the smoke looks like it is just down the street.  Sweet! I’m going to see something on FIRE!  I start trying to think about all the things that could possibly be burning, and then it hits me: On Northwest Highway there is a huge manure plant right next door to a place where they build wooden playground sets.  (Yeah, great planning, I know.) 
So then, I’m wondering how the poo factory could have caught on fire in the first place.  How, you ask?  Homeless people. Yep, homeless people.  They are always starting fires to keep warm and to cook small animals and shit. Problem is homeless people don’t know a lot about fire safety and of course you and I know that poop is super flammable, but they don’t because they are not so smart.  I mean, they used to be, but the amphetamines rotted out that part of their brain, you know?

Raccoons are tasty!

 It makes perfect sense!  One guy was like, “Dude, it’s 35 degrees out here.  We should start a fire.”  And the other guy was like, “Yeah! Plus I have this raccoon I need to cook.”  They start their fire and go to put the raccoon on it when BAM!  “That raccoon’s not dead, Yo!”  And the raccoon jumps out of the fire but he still has an ember on his tail and as soon as the ember hits the big mountain of poo they are standing next to, WOOSH!  That shit goes up!  (haha)
 Don’t worry though, the raccoon was fine and he ran home to his family, but the damage had been done.  Once the poo mountain starts spewing flying clumps of poo-dirt one of the flaming poo rockets lands on the wooden playground equipment and it’s all done for.  Massive poo-playground inferno.
That shit would burn for YEARS!  Ok, maybe just days, but a long ass time, you know? Really it’s the City of Dallas’ fault for letting them build a manure factory next to a huge pile of playground wood.  Luckily nobody was injured because it was 5:20 and we all know factory workers clock out and leave at 5:00 on the dot.
So while all this is going on in my head I realize that I haven’t seen the smoke in awhile so I look around for it.  IT’S GONE!  I look every direction!  Nowhere!  You can imagine my disappointment.  Not only was the poo plant completely intact but I didn’t even get to see any fire at all!  Totally anticlimactic, I know.  So I would like to stick with my story because it is WAY better than what really happened.  The End.
Note- If it was your house that was on fire, I was just kidding and fires are horrible.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Lizard

Please note- This post has frequent use of the F-Bomb.  If that offends you, you obviously don't understand the danger of lizards and you won't appreciate this at all.  The rest of you, carry on.

Do you know what this is?

This is a mother fuckin lizard.  This is a mother fuckin lizard in the mother fuckin house!  Let’s break this down.

Lizard’s Intended threat is marked at 20% because, let’s face it, if he was big enough he’d fuck shit up!

Actual Lizard Size:
Perceived lizard size:

Do you understand the severity of this problem?!?!?!
Let’s start from the beginning:
December, 29th 2010:
Angel and I wake up bright and early around 1:00PM after going out the night before for my Birthday.  Needless to say we drank a little much the night before so we were both feeling a little “under the weather.”  Angel’s Ex comes by and drops off the baby so we are all sitting in the living room watching Dora because that chick is amazing.  Angel gets up to go to the bathroom.  As she is walking down the dark hallway she notices a long blackish spot on the wall.  Her first thought, obviously, is that one of us drunkenly ran into it last night causing a hole.  She decides to lean in closer to check it out.  Even closer.  She reaches up to touch the spot and in the same instant I come around the corner and flip on the hall light.  The murderous screams can be heard for blocks.  Her two boxers begin running wildly though the house trying to figure out who or what is killing us.  The baby just laughs and chases after the dogs.
After the initial shock wears off we both look at each other like “There is a mother fuckin lizard in the mother fuckin house!!  What. The. Fuck.”  We decide the best option is to call someone so they can come remove it for us.  I can’t call Big Dinosaur because he is mad at me for staying the night at Angel’s in the first place and not returning my calls so Angel calls The Ex.  He refuses to come help because he is a lowly bastard.  He says something about how he's “working” and mentions the fact that Angel once caught an opossum that was hanging out in the bathtub, so she hangs up on him.
CatZilla:  So when is he coming to get it?
Angel:  He’s not.
CatZilla:  What the fuck?!  What are we supposed to do?  Let’s call the police.  They are more prepared to handle these things.  
Angel:  He said, “If you can remove an opossum, you can remove a lizard.”
Cat:  Oh yeah.  I forgot about that.
Angel:  Ok.  We can do this.
“We?!?” Fuck you and your “We.” I didn’t remove the damn opossum.
C:  Ok.
Angel goes to get “something” to catch the lizard in.  My job, very important, is to stand and watch the lizard to make sure it doesn’t mutate into the knife wielding, man-killer which I assume all lizards are fully capable of doing.  I watch.  I wait.  The lizard looks at me.  I whimper.  Angel FINALY comes back with a box.  It’s little, about 6 inches squared, but I think it may just work.
A: Ok, so I’ll just hold the box up next to him and he’ll just walk right in and we’ll take him outside.
C:  Yeah!! That’s awesome! Good idea!
She reaches up with the box and holds it next to the lizard.  He looks at us like the absolute morons that we are and goes nowhere.
C:  Move it closer!  He can’t see it!  He doesn’t understand!
Angel moves the box closer to the lizard.  She accidently touches the lizard with the box.  The lizard does a flying leap off the wall and onto Angel’s arm.  I don’t think I have adequate words to describe the pure chaotic panic that ensues.  Angel screams and flails her arms wildly.  I scream because I’m not sure why, then I realize I don’t know where the lizard is and it may very well be on me, so I scream because of that.  We continue screaming and flailing, screaming and flailing for at least a few minutes.
After awhile we calm down enough to realize the lizard is not on either of us and we panic again not knowing where he is for a second.  Then we locate him.  He is in the middle of the hallway floor breathing really, really hard.  I know this because I can see its little body puffing in and out really fast.  Did I say “little body?”  I meant to say “His ginormous body was heaving with every fiery breath.”  Yeah…that’s right.
Anyway, then Angel reaches down and puts the box on the floor in front of the lizard because it didn’t work the first time so surely it will work the second.  This again causes the lizard to freak out and he jumps back up on the wall almost exactly where he was to begin with.  Angel and I shriek in fear while it moves and wait for it to stop.
This whole time the baby has no idea what’s going on.  She is busy watching Dora and chasing the dogs around the house.  The usual stuff two year-olds do.  We decide to point out the lizard to her to see if she has any thoughts on the matter.  It took about 5 tries for her to actually see what we were pointing at, but once she did she joined us in our uninhibited fear.  She hides behind Angel and is absolutely no help at all.
Seeing as how we are back to square one, Angel decides it’s time for a new plan.  She leaves the hallway for a moment and must have grown massive balls while she was gone because she returns wearing two puffy, red oven mitts.  I realize her plan the moment I see her and I am incapacitated with sheer terror.  I try talking her out of it.
Why yes, that is orange 70s shag carpeting.  Angel keeps it real

C:  Angel, NO!  It’s not worth it! Let’s just call 911!
A:  I can do this!!
I back as far away as the small hallway will allow as she reaches for the beast’s midsection.  It squirms out of her grip and we all scream some more.  She then does the unthinkable and reaches for it AGAIN!  She got it!  We stand there for a second not sure what to do next.  Then:
A:  GO! GO! GO! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
C:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *while running to open the door*
Angel throws the lizard outside and we LIVE!!!!  She is my fucking hero.  The lizard didn’t even lose its tail.  We are fucking amazing! Yes, WE! As in her AND I!!! Even though I did nothing… I was there for emotional and moral support and let’s face it, she couldn’t have done it without me!
The baby has not stopped talking about the lizard in the house.  I’m pretty sure we did irreparable damage to her little brain that day.  Scarred her for life.  At least she will know the true danger of lizards.  You’re welcome baby girl.