Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Lazy Ass Post

Yep, just what it sounds like.  I'm busy doing important stuff like...reading and....sitting around..so I haven't really had time to come up with something you people would enjoy.  So here are some random ass pictures I've taken lately.   Because I do that too.  Yeah, sorry.
Some cowboys at the National BBQ Championships in Houston.  Lookin for boobies, I beleive.

The smoke from the BBQ pits wafting through the night.  We smelled like briskit for DAYS.

I know.  It's awesome.
Yee-Haw, Cowboy.
Floppy The Horse and I happen to have the same taste in beer.
And food.
I like taking pictures of dead trees.  So sue me
I though this one looked scary.
Nuff Said.
Centerville's old movie theatre.  It's creepy, but totally cool.
The old ticket booth, on the other hand, is just plain creepy.

In the Plaza at work.  Thought it was lovely.

More trees.

"The Scary Hallway" at work. 
It hasn't been updated since the 50s and is tiled in a sickly shade of seafoam green.
Gives me the heby-gebys!

Hey look!  Another tree!  This one's my favorite though.
Bradford Pear in spring bloom.
Last, but NEVER least, my oldest nephew Quentin on his 6th Birthday.
He just got that hat.  He loves it.
I know, he's a stud.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Coworkers Want Me Dead

Just a quick note.  Seriously, I will have something cool for you....someday...very....soon...ish.  Kindof.

I walk into the break room today after lunch and there in the middle of the table are 5 packages of sting cheese.  FOR REAL Y'ALL! Someone was giving away STRING CHEESE!! I was totally stoked because, as some of you know, I really really love cheese.  A lot.  So I grab up 4 of them, because I didn't want to seem greedy,  and saunter back to my desk with my prize.

While on the way I pass by a coworker and say, "Hey, free sting cheese in the break room!!"  and hold up one of my sticks, so it looks like I only took one and I'm insinuating that I had left more than one.  Again, so I don't look greedy and/or fat.  She says, "Yeah, they've been there for three days..." What. The. Fuck. And nobody TOLD ME?! "Oh.  Well, if they're still there by the end of the day, I'm going to take the rest..."  Coworker just shrugs.  She doesn't even care about cheese.  What the hell kind of people am I working with?!

I get to my desk and "make it rain" string cheese sticks because....why wouldn't I...and quickly eat 3 of them.  Now, this is after lunch, mind you, so I wasn't actually hungry...I just FUCKING LOVE CHEESE.

Halfway through my fourth stick I notice some bold writing on the packaging, "MUST KEEP REFRIGERATED"

 Slowly my coworker's comments come floating back..."Yeah, they've been there for 3 days..." I stop mid-chew.  Slowly and heartbreakingly (Screw you spell check! That IS a word!) spit the remainder in the trash.  Holy shit, Batman.  These people want me dead.  They know my love for cheese...they knew I couldn't resist...they knew the cheese was ROTTEN!  Bitches.

As of yet, nothing has happened and I feel fine.  But just in case y'all don't hear from me after today, I want you to know why.  Hopefully I'll be talking to y'all soon!

Monday, March 14, 2011

I pull teeth for kitties!! T-Shirts now available.

Due to popular demand (two people), I have spent long hours in a hot workshop to create some wonerful things for you.  Most of them are awesome and all of them are just for fun :)

Kick-ass tooth drawing included.
You're welcome, World.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Sarah McLachlan Wants Me to be a Serial Killer

Ok, this has been going on for a couple of years and it’s high time we discuss it.  You know that commercial Sarah McLachlan did for the ASPCA?  Oh you don’t?  This one:

Ok, so I guess she did one for every country in the world, because this video is actually for the British Columbia SPCA, but you get the point.

So.  Let’s discuss our feelings after watching that.  First I feel sad.  So sad I want to cry.  Those poor little animals just sitting there, shivering.  Breaks my heart.  Then the next thought that comes to my mind, “Who could do such a thing….”  And I start pondering the type of person it would take to harm sweet little puppies.  The more pondering I do, the more I realize that these are bad people.  Very bad people.  Then I start to get angry.  Very angry.   Very, blinding rage, kill-bill-song-playing-want-to-go-on-a-murderous-spree-of-people-who-abandon-bunnies angry. 

For about the past 5 years they have played this commercial religiously on cable networks.  Worst part is they play it late at night so usually I’ve had  two dozen a few beers by the time I see it so I’m a little “sensitive.”  I end up trying to call the hotline and leave messages with all my info and telling them how much I love animals and Sarah McLachlan and that if they would just send me the names and addresses of the people that hurt the animals they wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore because I will kill them.  I will poke out their eyes with forks and cut off their tails ears and burn them with cigarettes so they will know how it feels!!

I have never heard back from the ASPCA so my guess is either -
A:  They can’t understand what I’m saying because of my slurring and blubbering.
B: They can understand what I’m saying and really don’t think that they should let a slobbering drunk “adopt all 17 dogs and 12 cats from the commercial” as I requested.
C: They believe me to be a homicidal maniac just looking for a reason to cut someone.
Or possibly D: They already have enough people doing their murderous bidding and simply don’t need my help.
And then of course there’s E: I have the wrong fucking number. 
Either way, they won’t communicate.

This is not healthy for me.  I shouldn’t have such rage for people.  I shouldn’t sit around and think about giving total strangers paper cuts in between their fingers or poking them in the eyeballs over and over.  And the worst part??  I know Sarah McLachlan is 100% aware of these feelings her commercial conjures up.  She is a wicked brain-washer who is using her powers for evil instead of good.  Well, I mean, mostly good with the whole rescuing starving horses and shit, but a little bit of evil with the whole messy, trying to get people to commit manslaughter part.  

Can I just say here how bad-ass I am at drawing fire....

You know in the movie Hocus Pocus how Sarah Jessica Parker would sing that song and all the kids would turn into zombies and follow the witches to their cottage of doom where they would suck up the kids’ souls to make themselves younger?  Well it’s exactly like that except nobody wants anyone’s soul, kids aren’t really involved and Sarah McLachlan is not nearly as hot as Sarah Jessica Parker.  You see, when “Arms of the Angel” comes on, people just space out and start sharpening hack saws with their heads tilted at odd angels and the corners of their eyes twitching. 

Even the Blue-Hairs from the Senior Center Bridge Club can't resist this Siren's song.

So not only does Sarah McLachlan help raise money for the ASPCA, she lowers the number of people hurting animals by creating an army of killers ready to pull out other peoples’ teeth for kitties. (That should be on a T-Shirt somewhere. "I pull teeth for kitties!")  And now we find out that it’s not only in America she’s doing this, it’s all over the world.  Shame on you, Sarah McLachlan.  Shame on you, indeed.

Monday, March 7, 2011

O yeah. Famous now.

Guess what?!  My Friends over at The Daily Pygmy (my only trusted news source) though I was cool enough to write an article about.  You can all check it out here.  And yes, that IS really me.  And no, those aren't really my eyes.  And yes, I was acquitted of that double homicide.

My sister, Sarah found these little lamented, cut out eyes at the bar one night and we all took turns sticking them in our eyes (totally sanitary, I'm sure) and taking funny pictures.  Proof?

My sister, Sarah
Sarah's hubby-to-be, Jarron.
Big Dinosaur looks sooo goofy with them!  Loves hims!
CatZilla Herself

There are lots n lots more but I figured I would spare you.  I had to inculde my favorite though:
It looks like Sarah's face is melting...

Anyway, back to my point, The Daily Pygmy is freekin aweseome and if you want a kick ass story written about you, click on the "Become a Pygmy" link and they will hook you up too!! Of course, your story will be nowhere near a kick ass as my story.  Sorry.  Oh and yeah, basically this means I'm super famous now. Yesssssss.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bipolar? No, I'm Bi-Winning.

Best. Quote. Ever, Charlie Sheen.  Best EVER!!

So I have now collected about a zillion Charlie Sheen quotes from the past few days interviews.  Pure awesomeness.  This man has lost his ever lovin MIND!!!  

“Never once, never once. You know, a little bit sideways having not slept, but never, never, never loaded, never drunk, nothing on the set. No, when I step between the lines, it's on and I'm there to show others how it's done. It's not really rocket science, again, you know.”

 “No, I'm not angry, I'm passionate. And that's like everybody thinks I should be like begging for my job back and I'm just going to forewarn them that it's everybody else that's going to be begging me for their job back. I'm a man of my word , so I will finish the TV show . I'll even do season 10, but it's -- at this point because of psychological distress, oh my God, it's three mill an episode, take it or leave it .”

 “I’m tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total freaking rock star from Mars and people can't figure me out, they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain.”

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets…”

“I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

”I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

“Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you!”

“Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”"

“I don’t live in the middle anymore, that’s where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen and I just…it’s just not an option.”

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

“I’m sorry man, I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips”

“I have spent, I think, close to the last decade effortlessly and magically turning your tin cans into gold.”

“My motto now is ‘You either love or you hate and you must do so violently’”

“We are high priest Vatican assassin Warlocks.  BOOM!  Print that, people!”

“Most of the time- and this includes naps- I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

“People say, ‘You have to work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no, I’m gonna hang on to them and they’re gonna fuel my attack.”

“I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

“There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”

“You have to hate everyone who is not in your family because they are there to destroy your family.”

“As I said, ‘the first one’s free; the next one goes in yo mouth.”

“Oh, that.  I just do that for extra money, and to satisfy my male need to kill and win.”

“People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.”
Stolen from videogum.com

“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life”

I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy”

“You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, 'Look, you've got to get into rehab, you have to shut it down. You're going to die.”

“If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently. If you infiltrate and try to hurt my family, I will murder you violently”

“I've got three words for him [Colin Farrell]: Am. A. Teur”

“There is such a thing as too much fun. It gets redundant. How many times can you wake up and struggle to remember your name, her name and where you are?”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I was disappointed. I think people misinterpret my passion for anger.”

“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”

“I just don’t do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

“Well, I mean, first of all come Wednesday morning they’re gonna rename it Charlie Bros. and not Warner Bros. Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

“Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

““They can’t hang with me, their bones would melt like wax.”

“"Blame the studio for giving me this much dough knowing who they were giving to."

“"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way."

“White gold? Boom."

"Resentments ... are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber."

"Don't do drugs ... that are just supposed to be administered in a hospital at home."

"Aluminum bat? So what, I'm an actor, I don't want to have sore hands."

"Read behind the frickin' hieroglyphics...this is cryptology."

"Did you say Cancun or caboose? I don't know, I was in a blackout, man."

"Every plan I have is the best plan in the room."

"Whatever part I had in this, I sincerely apologize for. Whatever I can fix, I guarantee I will."

You could not make this shit up.  Holy-Crap-Balls.  Talk about your career suicide!  At least he is doing it so publicly for our amusement.