The Great Freeze of 2011, Part Deux

Yesterday I looked Death in the face and almost peed myself whimpered cried a little laughed! After staying home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday due to a 3 inch layer of ice covering all of North Texas, I drove in to work. Big Dinosaur got to stay home Tuesday, but then he went in Wednesday and told me the roads weren’t so bad. So Thursday morning I got up, showered off the two days of grime that had collected and drove in to work.

Guess what? Big Dinosaur LIED!!! All the side roads were still icy as shit! The highways were a little better, in places they were completely covered but for the most part if you stayed within the two tiny tire grooves going down the exact center of each lane, you were ok. Only problem? I can’t even walk in a straight line, and you want me to keep both tires in these little trails? Yeah, sure.

Not to mention, that involves a level of concentration that I simply don’t poses! I would be driving along, doing my nice and safe 10 miles per hour, focusing real hard to stay in the lines, then I would get bored…change the radio station…look over there…oh that’s neat…OH SHIT!! Got out of the groove! Slid into 6 inch thick pile of frozen sludge in the center and shot into the next lane. Back to focusing real hard.

Went on like this for the entire hour and a half it took me to drive into Downtown Dallas, which by the way is usually only a 30 minute drive. By the time I got to work I was absolutely mentally exhausted from all the brain power. Ridiculous.

Then of course you have all the idiots driving around at like 80 threatening to ram into my pretty little car. And the ones who were mad at my 10 MPH pace and would get all up on my ass, pressuring me…go AROUND jackass!!

Our cities are not able to deal with this shit. We put sand on the ice. Now, I’m sure sand serves some function that I’m not aware of, like "traction" or "decoration," but the only thing I could tell that it did was make brown ice. Confusing as hell. Oh, look! That area isn’t icy, it’s dirt. Noooo motherfucker, it’s BROWN ICE. I don’t get the logic behind that one.

Another thing I still don’t understand, but have heard a lot lately, “black ice.” I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m fairly certain that it is ice made by Satan that will magically appear in front of you when you least expect it. I can assure you that I did encounter quite a bit of Satan ice.

Also, in Texas we don't have "blizzards," we have "Thunder Snows."  Yeah, basically a snow/ice/poison/death storm which also includes 70 mile per hour winds, thunder and lightning.  We do it big here.

The way home from work was no better, as the temperature didn’t exceed 23 for the day. I at least fared better than Shanna on her way home.  She was taken out by a speeding psychiatrist from our work, surprise, surprise.

Icy car fire ensued.

Once I got home, I kissed the ground. The dirty, brown ice ground. On the news last night they were saying we would get about a half inch of snow over night. Well, that’s no big deal. I can go into work in that.

Then we woke up this morning to this:

A half inch you say? Oh, you meant to say a half foot? Gotcha. Now we have 6 inches of snow on top of 3 inches of ice.  fantastic!  It’s been snowing it’s ass off all morning and it’s not supposed to stop until after noon.  I texted my boss, Rebecca to let her know I wouldn't be coming in today and she sent this back:



Rebecca's G-Ride stuck in snow 5 feet out of her parking space.  Sweeet!  At least she tried, right?

 So, I texted Shanna to see if she was going in and got this:



That's a negative, Red Rider.

 Obviously not very many of us made it into the office today.  I called and they had 3 doctors, 4 nurses and 0 phone help.  Sorry dudes, one day's salary wouldn't cover my deductible or medical bills when I crash and my car explodes into an icy car fire.

My brother sent me this diagram that explains exactly how we southerners feel about snow days:
 

Nails it on the head.  Sorry it's all crazy, sterroid big but I wanted you to be able to read it.  You're welcome.

 I wish I was the genius that came up with this, but I'm not.  I tried to locate the creator with some half assed extensive google research but was unable to find anything, so if you know who made this, let me know, I would like them to get credit for this masterpiece.
While doing my research I found that some of the country is making fun of us here in The South:



Got this from failblog.  Guess what?  Dallas had to borrow snow plows from other cities because they had zero.



This came from a Seattle, Washington newspaper, Komo News.  Article was titled, "Southerners Struggle in Heavy Snow." Jerks.


Well guess what, Washington, we’re not used to it. Give us a break, Yo!

I'll leave you with a few other random pictures from The Great Freeze of 2011.  I'm sure there will be more before this is all over.  Sheesh.

True love?  When they pump gas for you during a Thunder Snow because you let your tank run allll the way down to below empty because, "It's too cold to get gas!"

 

 

The only place open during a Thunder Snow? Good ol' Whataburger. We can always count on you, my love!





You forgot to mention, "You might shit your pants."

Here’s the post I promised you two days ago. Don’t judge me. I am easily distracted by shiny objects and snow and shit. Also, it’s very hard to draw pictures on the computer when you’re smashed. Plus I’ve been reading The Stand By Stephen the King and it has me completely sucked in and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Anyway, here ya go.


I, like the rest of the women in America, am in a constant battle with my weight. A battle slowly but surely being won by my pant size. I blame my shitty will-power and the fact that I always succumb to peer pressure. I usually start out with such great intentions which last about a week. This story is just one in a list of many, I assure you.

Flash back about 4 ½ years ago. Big Dinosaur and I had just started dating and life was good. I wasn’t “overweight” back then, but of course there are always those 5-10 vanity pounds you want to lose. (Now days it’s more like 30-50 lbs.)

A new weight loss medication had just hit the market, and it was all the rage. Alli, it was called. Some women considered it a miracle drug. I hadn’t heard much about it when my mom gave me a bottle. She had just said she “didn’t like it.” So why not then? What could it hurt?


News flash: I don't own the rights to alli.  Surprised??


I’ve never been much of a “label reader” or “instruction follower” so here is exactly as much as I knew about Alli when I began taking it:

1- Alli sounds like Ally. The Allies in WWII were our friends. Ally = Friend. Alli = Good. Yay!

2- Take 3 pills a day. One before every meal. Check.

3- The bottle is very colorful! I like colorful things!

4- The capsule is a really nice shade of blue and it comes with this neat little blue case to keep just 3 pills in. Cool.

5- Wynonna Judd endorses it on TV. Says it “helps he make the right choices.” I like her.

The week begins as any normal “starting a new diet” week. I took my cute little blue pills before every meal and I ate my healthy little turkey sandwiches and brown rice. Alli didn’t really give me that jittery, energetic, I-can-lift-a-God-damn-car-over-my-head feeling which was pretty disappointing, but hey, I’ll stick with it. I mean, if it’s good enough for Wynona Judd then it’s good enough for me! Aren’t I such the good little American Consumer?
Then comes Friday. Big Dinosaur and I had a date that night so I was pretty excited. We’d planned on dinner and a movie, great! I pop my little blue pill and off we go. Now you must understand, I’m the type of person that if I do something really well for any length of time, like say eat a healthy diet for 4 days, I like to reward myself with treats. (FYI-This is why 99.9% of my diets FAIL)

We decided on Hooters for dinner because…it’s delicious, obviously. I order myself a nice big beer and sit down for my reward for being so very good all week. We stared out with an order of hot wings, of course; I mean, it IS Hooters. After that I ordered a cheeseburger and curly fries with some of their famously delicious jalapeno cheese sauce to dip it in. I sure do love all things cheesy!



In hindsight, I may have gone a smidgen overboard with the curly fries.

 About 15 minutes after we eat, I feel that little “rumbley-in-my-tumbley” that lets me know we will need to swing back by the house before going to the theatre. I’ve never been a public pooper and no way was I going to start at Hooters. Big Dinosaur’s house was closer than mine, so we head that way.

I’m sure there are some of you who know what’s coming. Don’t ruin the surprise for the others!

By the time we make the 3 minute drive to Big Dinosaur’s house, I am fighting back tears. I have never had to shit so badly IN MY LIFE. I do that funny little run-waddle through his house to the bathroom, and for a second, I really honestly don’t think I will be able to keep up the clench long enough to get my jeans down. By the grace of God I made it.

That next half hour is a little fuzzy. I’m pretty sure I blacked out a few times. Everything I had eaten in my entire life shot out of my body with a violence I would not wish on my worst enemy. I remember Big Dinosaur knocking on the door once to ask if I was okay. I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Intestines…out….GO AWAY!!!” Every time I thought it was over it would just start up again. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the movie.

This went on for the next two days. TWO DAYS. 2 hours in the bathroom, 10 minutes out. 2 hours in, 10 minutes out. Every time I got off the toilet I would check to make sure none of my internal organs were floating around in it. I really don’t care about most of ‘em, but I need that liver damnit. During one of these...poo viewings...I saw a piece of gum I had swallowed at age 5. (Cheated the system on that, eh?) I couldn’t eat. I could only sleep in shifts. It. Was. Fucking. Intense.

During that weekend of confinement in the bathroom, all I could think about was Wynonna Judd. That lying bitch! Alli didn’t “help you make the right choices” it ruins your fucking life when you don’t! It’s called negative reinforcement training, people, and believe it or not, it even works with animals of other species too! Cat jumped on the counter? Squirt it with a water bottle. Dog peed in the house? Smack it with a rolled up news paper. Human won’t stop eating things that are bad for it?!? You get the idea.


"Hi, I'm Wynonna Judd and I'm a filthy liar."



Also while confined to the bathroom, I made up my mind that I was going to sue Alli for serious physical anguish and Wynonna Judd for using her powers of persuasion for evil instead of good, but while I was sitting on the potty, looking up attorneys in the phone book, the realization hits me that I should probably read the bottle to make sure there weren’t any warnings which would keep me from winning my lawsuit.

I find the bottle and give her a read. Hmm, ok, ok…blah…blah…blah…Oh! Here we go. “Alli works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat.” Hesus Christos! What would have happened if it blocked ALL the fat I ate…*shudder*


“The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes.” Huh. Makes sense…although I don’t think the term “passing out of your body” really covers it. I would have said something like “ejects from your body at an unmatched velocity.”

“You may get:

• Gas with oily spotting. Nope, must have skipped that step completely I suppose.

• Loose stools. Doesn’t even begin to describe it.

• More frequent stools that may be hard to control.” Well doesn’t that sound all delicate and dainty? You BASTARDS!

They must pay some guy a shit-ton of money to come up with this wording. We should make a new label with the actual side effects. I call for full disclosure, people!!

• If you eat anything that tastes good, you might shit your pants.

• Not just once, many, many times.

• You will not be able to leave the bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time.

• Wynonna Judd is a dirty mouthed LIAR.

I will even design the label for them, so there will be no future confusion for other people like me who don’t actually read the teeny-tiny print on the side of the bottle before ingesting their witch crafted poison.

See?  No further explanation needed.

The use of black and red and yellow coveys DANGER to even illiterate people. The skull and crossbones helps to further explain this products full intent.  I think people will appreciate the honesty, don’t you?  I should be a marketing manager or something.
The only bright side to all of this? I did lose 5 pounds from the emptying of my entire digestive tract. WIN!

Randomness

Hi people.  Ok, just so you know, I'm working on a really fantastic inspirational special post which should be ready to go for tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I just wanted to share some completely unrelated thoughts for the day.

First and foremost I would like to officially blame this crazy winter weather (which will formally be known as "The Great Freeze of 2011") on the arrival of the Packers and the Steelers in Dallas today for the upcoming Super Bowl.  The high tomorrow is to be 15 degrees with a wind chill of 0.  (Zero, y'all!) Also we will be having freezing rain and snow. (SNOW, y'all!!)

Now, I know some of you reading this are used to this kind of weather, (I'm looking at you Susan) but we here in The Great State of Texas are NOT.  We can't handle it, we're not prepared for it and quite frankly we just don't like it! I don't even own a coat thick enough to endure this shit.  Packers, Steelers...hurry up and go home and take your weather with you.  K thanks.

I miss our beatuiful Summer Sunsets!

Second, I received a call the other day at work from a woman whose mother was a patient in our office.  She asked me to have the doctor tell her mother that she is not allowed to eat chips and queso.  Ok, that in itself is a little strange, but by far not the strangest request I have seen.

So I pull up the patient's chart and find out that the lady is 98 years old. Ninety Eight.  Ok, fuck that!  As most of you know, I have a great love for all things cheesy, chips and queso ranking about numero uno on that list. 

You can bet your sweet ass that if I make it to 98, I'll be eating chips and queso for every damn meal if I want to, as well as drinking Maker's Mark directly out of the bottle every day, and there is nothing you or my hypothetical daughter can say about it.  Got it?!

I mean, queso wasn't even INVENTED when this lady was born!!  Let her enjoy it, damnit!!  Am I wrong?? 

That is all.  Carry on.