Wednesday, February 2, 2011

You forgot to mention, "You might shit your pants."

Here’s the post I promised you two days ago. Don’t judge me. I am easily distracted by shiny objects and snow and shit. Also, it’s very hard to draw pictures on the computer when you’re smashed. Plus I’ve been reading The Stand By Stephen the King and it has me completely sucked in and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Anyway, here ya go.

I, like the rest of the women in America, am in a constant battle with my weight. A battle slowly but surely being won by my pant size. I blame my shitty will-power and the fact that I always succumb to peer pressure. I usually start out with such great intentions which last about a week. This story is just one in a list of many, I assure you.

Flash back about 4 ½ years ago. Big Dinosaur and I had just started dating and life was good. I wasn’t “overweight” back then, but of course there are always those 5-10 vanity pounds you want to lose. (Now days it’s more like 30-50 lbs.)

A new weight loss medication had just hit the market, and it was all the rage. Alli, it was called. Some women considered it a miracle drug. I hadn’t heard much about it when my mom gave me a bottle. She had just said she “didn’t like it.” So why not then? What could it hurt?

News flash: I don't own the rights to alli.  Surprised??

I’ve never been much of a “label reader” or “instruction follower” so here is exactly as much as I knew about Alli when I began taking it:

1- Alli sounds like Ally. The Allies in WWII were our friends. Ally = Friend. Alli = Good. Yay!

2- Take 3 pills a day. One before every meal. Check.

3- The bottle is very colorful! I like colorful things!

4- The capsule is a really nice shade of blue and it comes with this neat little blue case to keep just 3 pills in. Cool.

5- Wynonna Judd endorses it on TV. Says it “helps he make the right choices.” I like her.

The week begins as any normal “starting a new diet” week. I took my cute little blue pills before every meal and I ate my healthy little turkey sandwiches and brown rice. Alli didn’t really give me that jittery, energetic, I-can-lift-a-God-damn-car-over-my-head feeling which was pretty disappointing, but hey, I’ll stick with it. I mean, if it’s good enough for Wynona Judd then it’s good enough for me! Aren’t I such the good little American Consumer?
Then comes Friday. Big Dinosaur and I had a date that night so I was pretty excited. We’d planned on dinner and a movie, great! I pop my little blue pill and off we go. Now you must understand, I’m the type of person that if I do something really well for any length of time, like say eat a healthy diet for 4 days, I like to reward myself with treats. (FYI-This is why 99.9% of my diets FAIL)

We decided on Hooters for dinner because…it’s delicious, obviously. I order myself a nice big beer and sit down for my reward for being so very good all week. We stared out with an order of hot wings, of course; I mean, it IS Hooters. After that I ordered a cheeseburger and curly fries with some of their famously delicious jalapeno cheese sauce to dip it in. I sure do love all things cheesy!

In hindsight, I may have gone a smidgen overboard with the curly fries.
 About 15 minutes after we eat, I feel that little “rumbley-in-my-tumbley” that lets me know we will need to swing back by the house before going to the theatre. I’ve never been a public pooper and no way was I going to start at Hooters. Big Dinosaur’s house was closer than mine, so we head that way.

I’m sure there are some of you who know what’s coming. Don’t ruin the surprise for the others!

By the time we make the 3 minute drive to Big Dinosaur’s house, I am fighting back tears. I have never had to shit so badly IN MY LIFE. I do that funny little run-waddle through his house to the bathroom, and for a second, I really honestly don’t think I will be able to keep up the clench long enough to get my jeans down. By the grace of God I made it.

That next half hour is a little fuzzy. I’m pretty sure I blacked out a few times. Everything I had eaten in my entire life shot out of my body with a violence I would not wish on my worst enemy. I remember Big Dinosaur knocking on the door once to ask if I was okay. I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Intestines…out….GO AWAY!!!” Every time I thought it was over it would just start up again. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the movie.

This went on for the next two days. TWO DAYS. 2 hours in the bathroom, 10 minutes out. 2 hours in, 10 minutes out. Every time I got off the toilet I would check to make sure none of my internal organs were floating around in it. I really don’t care about most of ‘em, but I need that liver damnit. During one of these...poo viewings...I saw a piece of gum I had swallowed at age 5. (Cheated the system on that, eh?) I couldn’t eat. I could only sleep in shifts. It. Was. Fucking. Intense.

During that weekend of confinement in the bathroom, all I could think about was Wynonna Judd. That lying bitch! Alli didn’t “help you make the right choices” it ruins your fucking life when you don’t! It’s called negative reinforcement training, people, and believe it or not, it even works with animals of other species too! Cat jumped on the counter? Squirt it with a water bottle. Dog peed in the house? Smack it with a rolled up news paper. Human won’t stop eating things that are bad for it?!? You get the idea.

"Hi, I'm Wynonna Judd and I'm a filthy liar."

Also while confined to the bathroom, I made up my mind that I was going to sue Alli for serious physical anguish and Wynonna Judd for using her powers of persuasion for evil instead of good, but while I was sitting on the potty, looking up attorneys in the phone book, the realization hits me that I should probably read the bottle to make sure there weren’t any warnings which would keep me from winning my lawsuit.
I find the bottle and give her a read. Hmm, ok, ok…blah…blah…blah…Oh! Here we go. “Alli works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat.” Hesus Christos! What would have happened if it blocked ALL the fat I ate…*shudder*

“The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes.” Huh. Makes sense…although I don’t think the term “passing out of your body” really covers it. I would have said something like “ejects from your body at an unmatched velocity.”

“You may get:

• Gas with oily spotting. Nope, must have skipped that step completely I suppose.

• Loose stools. Doesn’t even begin to describe it.

• More frequent stools that may be hard to control.” Well doesn’t that sound all delicate and dainty? You BASTARDS!

They must pay some guy a shit-ton of money to come up with this wording. We should make a new label with the actual side effects. I call for full disclosure, people!!

• If you eat anything that tastes good, you might shit your pants.

• Not just once, many, many times.

• You will not be able to leave the bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time.

• Wynonna Judd is a dirty mouthed LIAR.

I will even design the label for them, so there will be no future confusion for other people like me who don’t actually read the teeny-tiny print on the side of the bottle before ingesting their witch crafted poison.

See?  No further explanation needed.

The use of black and red and yellow coveys DANGER to even illiterate people. The skull and crossbones helps to further explain this products full intent.  I think people will appreciate the honesty, don’t you?  I should be a marketing manager or something.
The only bright side to all of this? I did lose 5 pounds from the emptying of my entire digestive tract. WIN!


The Most AWESOME Cousin EEEVAAARRR! said...


(pun intended)

Heartichoke said...

Oh jeez.... seems I heard the warning about this shit starter on 105.3 when it first came out... You crack me up! =) Hope you are enjoying my usual weather! Today's wind chill, -16! woo!... I need some Jack...

Sarah P said...

Thank you for the breakfasst read.

CatZilla said...

CARLY!! I misses you! I can't believe you survive in -16. No way, dude! When you coming home for a visit?

Sara P- Probably not the best post pre-breakfast. Sorry, dude!

I'm Susan Szold. said...

Oh my, this made me laugh out loud....and want to come over and put a cool compress on your forehead.

I never tried this stuff because a friend had a similar exoperience. And this all didn't scare Big Dinosaur? He's a keeper.

CatZilla said...

Haha, Big Dinosaur was already used to my crazy shenanigans after only 6 months! :) He is a keeper for sure.

Anonymous said...

Fascinating. Alli's colors made you warm and fuzzy. Your colors pissed Alli off and Alli attacked your internals with a flame thrower. No wonder your mom didn't like it. She probably should've warned you about all the fun eh?

Shanna said...

I love you, girl...even though I have heard it before, it is even funnier now! Wonder if we can slip that in someone's sandwich?

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

I could tell where this was headed when you didn't read the instructions! Too funny. But sad. But you lost weight, so happy!

Heartichoke said...

I won't be coming for a visit till June... and it will be a permanent visit! You get used to the wind chill. When its in the 20's we only wear a hoodie, if its in the teens we may add a thermal or jacket, the 30's+ feel like a wonderful spring day! lol I'm ready to move back South!