Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm a nice person, DAMNIT!!!!!

This past Friday I was going to Angel’s house to hang out like we always do and I stopped by the liquor store for some booze, like I always do. As I walked up to the front door I see something on the ground. People are just walking by it, not paying any attention, so I just assume it’s trash. As I get closer though, I realize it’s not trash at all. It’s a WALLET!! A shiny, black, leather wallet. A man’s shiny, black, leather wallet. I eyeball it suspiciously like it’s a trick and someone has fishing line tied to it and they are going to snatch it away as soon as I reach for it then tell me I’m a bad person for thinking about picking it up.


Good thing I found it before that sleeping homeless dude...

My heart throbs in my throat as I stand over it for a few seconds looking around and waiting for someone to yell at me to get away from their wallet. But nobody does! There are a few credit cards shining up at me, and the edge of a twenty peaking out to say, “Oh, HI!” I bend down and pick it up and still no one yells at me. The thought crosses my mind for an instant to just stick it in my purse. I mean, nobody is looking right? Who would know?...

I said “for an instant,” people! Jeez! So quick to get judgy, aren’t we?!! I carried the wallet into the liquor store holding it out in front of me like a dirty diaper. I didn’t want anyone to think for one second I was trying to steal it because Karma is a bee-otch and she will kick your ass for doing shit like that!

The way I strut through the store screams, “Hey everyone!! Look at meeee! I’m doing something NICE!!” When I get to the counter to turn it in I’ve got this snide little smirk on my face. I hand over the wallet and say, “I found this in the parking lot. I’m sure someone will be coming back for it.” This is where shit gets messed up. The woman at the counter takes it from me and with a look of utter disgust, says “Uhh. Okay?” And puts the wallet on the counter where anyone larger than a kindergartner could reach it.

What. The. Fuck?? She didn’t thank me on behalf of the person who lost the wallet, she didn’t praise me for doing “the right thing,” she didn’t tell me what an exemplary human being I was, she didn’t do SHIT! There wasn’t even a certificate saying, “Award for Goodness!” No gold star or “Great Job” sticker, no nothing!! It made me want to snatch the wallet back from her and go find someone else who would APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I AM A GOOD GODDAMN PERSON!

Sheesh. This is why people don’t do nice things anymore. I’m not saying I need to get a huge reward; some recognition with words of praise would have been completely adequate. Like maybe she could have gotten on the loud speaker and got everyone’s attention. “ATTENTION LIQUOR STORE CUSTOMERS: This woman has just returned a wallet and she didn’t steal anything out of it first. I repeat: She DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING. The rest of you ass-jackets could learn a lesson from this woman. Also, Captain Morgan’s is on sale. That is all, carry on.” (She looked like the type of person who would call people “ass-jackets.” That was her, not me.)

Certificate of Goodness WITH gold stars.  Fuck yes.

Needless to say, the next time I stumble across a wallet or diamonds or pirate gold or amphetamines, I’m totally not turning that shit in.

8 comments:

Janet NZ said...

Hi Cat - I found you through Susan Szold and have been reading for a while now.
You should know that people all over the world (well - ok, just one person from New Zealand)know that you are a good person.
I bet the liquor store chick stole the money from the wallet - she sounds like the sort who would do that.

I'm Susan Szold. said...

I agree with the above comment from Janet--the liquour store meanie took all the money.

And everyone knows you are a good person...and what's evenbetter, a hilariously funny person.

I am going to call everyone I meet today an "ass jacket."

CatZilla said...

Janet- Thanks so much! That's very sweet of you! I was wondering who those hits from New Zealand were coming from! So good to meet you!

Thanks, Susan! Maybe we can trademark the phrase then every time someone says "ass jacket" they will have to pay us 15 cents. WE SHOULD DO IT!!!

Keith said...

I found $100 bill in a walmart parking lot. I picked it up and waited in line at the customer service counter. Once, finally reaching the counter the lady looked at me like I was a leper. I simply asked that if someone comes looking for a lost bill all they had to do was identify the denomination. I did not ask for the person to recite the serial number geez. After leaving my phone number with the service representative. I took the bill and left the store. On the way home I decided that the appropriate length of time had passed. So, I drove straight to the nearest casino, 17 miles away, a blew it all.
Good thing Walmart never had anyone claiming it.

CatZilla said...

That is absolutely hilarious!

Shanna said...

Finders, keepers..I will be glad when your new meds kick in, so you will not require so much verbal reassurance. You are the best person I know, Dammit :O)

jess said...

she was out of line for not loudly announcing your awesomeness.

i haaaaaate when i find a wallet or bag because i feel like i'm violating someone's privacy opening it up to take all their money.
haha.
no, no, no. i only open them to look for an ID, because returning it to a store or customer service desk i'm always like, are you REALLY going to hold onto it? or are you going to take the money?

tcutraveler said...

You so WILL turn it in! Because it is the right thing to do - and you are a good person!