|Good thing I found it before that sleeping homeless dude...|
My heart throbs in my throat as I stand over it for a few seconds looking around and waiting for someone to yell at me to get away from their wallet. But nobody does! There are a few credit cards shining up at me, and the edge of a twenty peaking out to say, “Oh, HI!” I bend down and pick it up and still no one yells at me. The thought crosses my mind for an instant to just stick it in my purse. I mean, nobody is looking right? Who would know?...
I said “for an instant,” people! Jeez! So quick to get judgy, aren’t we?!! I carried the wallet into the liquor store holding it out in front of me like a dirty diaper. I didn’t want anyone to think for one second I was trying to steal it because Karma is a bee-otch and she will kick your ass for doing shit like that!
The way I strut through the store screams, “Hey everyone!! Look at meeee! I’m doing something NICE!!” When I get to the counter to turn it in I’ve got this snide little smirk on my face. I hand over the wallet and say, “I found this in the parking lot. I’m sure someone will be coming back for it.” This is where shit gets messed up. The woman at the counter takes it from me and with a look of utter disgust, says “Uhh. Okay?” And puts the wallet on the counter where anyone larger than a kindergartner could reach it.
What. The. Fuck?? She didn’t thank me on behalf of the person who lost the wallet, she didn’t praise me for doing “the right thing,” she didn’t tell me what an exemplary human being I was, she didn’t do SHIT! There wasn’t even a certificate saying, “Award for Goodness!” No gold star or “Great Job” sticker, no nothing!! It made me want to snatch the wallet back from her and go find someone else who would APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I AM A GOOD GODDAMN PERSON!
Sheesh. This is why people don’t do nice things anymore. I’m not saying I need to get a huge reward; some recognition with words of praise would have been completely adequate. Like maybe she could have gotten on the loud speaker and got everyone’s attention. “ATTENTION LIQUOR STORE CUSTOMERS: This woman has just returned a wallet and she didn’t steal anything out of it first. I repeat: She DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING. The rest of you ass-jackets could learn a lesson from this woman. Also, Captain Morgan’s is on sale. That is all, carry on.” (She looked like the type of person who would call people “ass-jackets.” That was her, not me.)
|Certificate of Goodness WITH gold stars. Fuck yes.|
Needless to say, the next time I stumble across a wallet or diamonds or pirate gold or amphetamines, I’m totally not turning that shit in.