Sunday, August 19, 2012

Meat Drink

When we moved from our big fancy apartment to this shit-hole apartment, it didn't come with a microwave.  The big fancy apartment had one built in, but apparently people around here prefer heating their leftovers over a campfire. (Side note- Shit-hole apartment kitchen also has no drawers wider than 5 inches. Because who needs a silverware drawer, right?)

No, really.  Our silverware tray sits in the cabinet just below the cups.

At first we like, "Oh well, we'll just buy one, no biggie." But then we didn't, and before we knew it there was no counter space to put a microwave on so we figured we could just live without one. People lived without microwaves for hundreds of years, right? I mean, housewives in the 50s made 5 course meals with nothing but a butter knife and a hand mixer, right?

Well sure, but you know what else they didn't have back then? Dietary staples like microwave popcorn, mini sausage breakfast biscuits and hot pockets. Sure, some of those things can be cooked in the oven, but I don't usually have the extra 17 hours that it takes to bake them.

Ok fine, we can live without these things, but for the love of God WHY CAN'T I QUIT BUYING THEM?!?!!? It's seem that every time I go to the grocery store I completely forget that we don't have a microwave and I buy all these damn frozen dinners and shit just so they can sit in the freezer and taunt me. When we finally do get a microwave again, I believe I'm going to make a smorgasbord of Hot Pockets and Popcorn and eat myself into a radioactive food coma.

Another dilemma we face with no microwave is the process of defrosting meat.  Which, of course, isn't a problem if you have your shit together and can remember to put your dinner meat in the refrigerator the night before. I do not have my shit together, so  I come home from work and dig the dinner meat out of the frozen, frosty depths and plunk it into a sink full of hot water.  Takes a little longer than the microwave method, but it works. Then, the other day, Big Dinosaur drank the meat water.

It was a normal day, I ran a sink of hot water on the left side to was a few dishes, then one on the right side to begin defrosting the meat. Only, the sink stopper wouldn't stop up the sink on the right side, so I gave Big Dinosaur the task of finding something to stop it up while I changed the baby. When I cam back to the kitchen, he had sucessflly stopped up the sink with a small plastic cup. Perfect.

We went on about our day, waiting for the meat to defrost, and when it was done I pulled the cup out of the drain and set it beside the sink. I made dinner, we ate, we sat in the living room. I was playing with the baby when I look over to see Big Dinosaur finishing off a drink....I recognized that cup.

Cat: Isn't that the cup you used to plug the drain for the meat?

Joe: I don't think so....IS IT?? This one was sitting BESIDE the sink.

Cat: Uhhh, yeah!! That's where I put the meat cup! You know, on the side of the sink? Where we put the DIRTY dishes?!?

Joe: Oh groose!! I drank the meat water!!!

Cat: *uncontrolable laughing* YOU DRANK THE MEAT WATER!!!!!

Joe: *gagging noises*

As hilarious as this was to me, it was equally un-hilarious to Big Dinosaur who was very concerned about consuming raw beef juice. So the next day I sent hm a text to check on him. "How ya feelin' Meat Drink?" He was fine. Not amused, and fine.

At least it wasn't chicken.

Beef Bacteria. YUM!