Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Liam Saw Jesus at Craker Barrel

  Last Monday night my family got together, like we often do, to celebrate Birthdays.  I have a really large family with 2 older brothers and 2 older sisters and I am the only one who doesn’t have any kids, *Ahhh, the pressure* so we tend to combine Birthday dinners to make it more cost efficient for all of us.  It works.

So Monday night we all went to Cracker Barrel to have us one hell of a shindig and celebrate 3 Birthdays.  We pushed 4 tables together and made one giant square table that our servers were not very happy about.  Well, we weren’t very happy about having to sit at two separate tables, so there.  

After dinner the Birthday peoples got desert and of course the younger peoples got to share.  Here is Liam reaching to steal Briana’s “Bit of Heaven” chocolate cake.

And here is Liam getting his very own piece.

After eating about half his “Bit o’ Heaven,” Liam all of a sudden looked up at me with his Chaplin-Stache of chocolate.  His eyes got big and he reached out his hand and pointed at something behind me.  In this tiny, excited but whispery voice he said, “Oooooo, Jeasssusssss.”

My first thought, of course, was that The Rapture  The end of the world The Zombie Apocalypse had come and I tried to think of the last time I “got right” with The Big Man.  I mean, if a 2 year old is seeing the Son of God after eating a “Bit o Heaven” chocolate cake at Cracker Barrel, shit is about to get real, son.  

I quickly turned around to make sure it wasn’t just some hipster bum who had wandered in, and of course I saw no one where he was pointing.  After all, they don’t allow hipsters in Cracker Barrel, I saw a sign. 

I looked back a Liam and he just smiled and nodded, “Jeassussss.”  

Finally I look at my sister, Sarah and she’s saying to Liam, “No, we’re not going today.  Not today.”
What. The. Fuck is going on?!?!

I look across the table at my other sister Jenny, and she looks about as perplexed as I am and finally she asks, “Is he saying ‘Jesus’??  Sarah looks up and says, “Hahahaha! No!! Why the hell would he be saying Jesus?!?  He’s saying ‘Cheeses!’  He sees the Chuck E Cheese across the street!!” 

Holy shit.  Talk about giving a bitch a heart attack!  What’s even better is that from where we were sitting, you can’t even SEE the words “Chuck E Cheese” or even the big picture of the happy rat head.  Liam could pick it out by the size and color of the building. 

I laughed so hard I cried, and maybe peed a little.
Best. Family. Dinner. EVER!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Doctor Can't Fix Stupid

Actual telephone conversation from yesterday:

Me:  Blah blah blah, bullshit, blah blah? <- Shit I have to say when I answer the phone.

Patient X:  Yeah, my ear has blood coming out of it.

Me:  *Alarmed*  Are you currently in any pain? Any Headaches??

X:  No.  No pain.  It's been bleeding for about 2 hours.

Me:  Okay...and you don't have any idea what could have caused it?

X:  No.  None.  There was this tickle in it....

Me:  A tickle?

X:  Yes

Me:  In your ear?

X:  Yes.

Me:  Hmm.....Okay....

X:  I may have scratched it....

Me:  You may have?

X:  Yes, honestly I don't remember...But I may or may not have scratched it with a toothpick.

Me:  A toothpick?!

X:  Maybe...

Me: ....  .....   ......  .....

**And now you're calling me, why??  To tell me that your an idiot?? I'm quite aware of that sir, what the hell else can we do for you?**

That thing on the end of the toothpick?  Brain matter.  Maybe.

I am NOT JOKING!  This exact conversation took place yesterday.  Now, I realize that sometimes there really are tickles in your ears and sometimes you really want to stick something in your ear to scratch it.  Please, for the love of Christ, DON'T USE A FUCKING TOOTHPICK!!!

That is all.  Carry on.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Yes, I'm a bitch. I know.

I would like to start this off with a disclaimer:
Believe it or not, I can be an incredible bitch.  Seriously.  I know you people don't always see it and I really do try to be a genuinely nice person 99.99% of the time.  You are about to witness the 0.01%.

Disclaimer 2:
When reading this, please keep in mind that this girl and I grew up in the same middle class, suburban neighborhood less than 2 blocks away from each other.  We went to the same Elementary school and Jr. High.  She had every opportunity that I had to continue her education but chose to drop out of school in the 8th grade and was pregnant with her first child at 16.  I'm not bashing drop-outs and I'm not bashing young mothers.  I am bashing this girls life choices which have apparently done irreparable damages.  I am honestly worried that this type of person is procreating at such a rapid rate.

Also, I  beleive there should be some sort of "Annoyance Level Evaluation" which people should be forced to take prior to being allowed to have a facebook account.  If you do shit like this, I will delete you.  Immediately.

That being said, ENJOY!!

Click to make it bigger.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Kick Ass Customer Service

Sometimes people can be really, really stupid and in my job I’m not allowed to tell them how stupid they are being.  So I have decided to vent here.  Here are a few examples of what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Patient:  I need to schedule an appointment.

Me:  Well, it looks like you ‘No Showed’ your appointment that was scheduled for yesterday.  I can reschedule it but we won’t be able to get you in for another month.

Patient: WHAT?!?!  That’s ridiculous!  No one even called me to remind me of my appointment!!  It wasn’t my fault I missed it!

 Ok, seriously.  This is such a common happening that I wanted to make it #1 on the list of why people are stupid.  Guess what?  When you make an appointment I would probably be good idea to, oh I don’t know, maybe WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN so that you remember.  I am not your mother, I am not your keeper or your assistant.  The fact that I SOMETIMES call to remind you of your appointments is a courtesy, hence the name “COURTESY CALL.”  It’s time to act like the damn 57 year old you are and keep track of your own shit. K Thanks!


Patient:  I need my medication refilled.  The pharmacy says there are no fills left on it.

Me: Ok, sure.  No problem.  I’ll just have to send the request over to get approved by the doctor and we will fax the pharmacy back with a new prescription.

Patient:  Ok great.  About how long will that take?

Me:  Well your doctor won’t be in the office until tomorrow, so it will probably be tomorrow afternoon before it gets sent back.

Patient: WHHHHAAA????  I need it now!! I’m at the pharmacy NOW!!  I’m completely out of medication and I’m leaving for Jamaica/France/Portugal in five minutes!!!

So, you’re saying that 5 days ago when you took your DAILY medication and noticed there were only 4 pills left you said “Fuck it.” and decided to see exactly how long you could wait, knowing full well that you were leaving the country.  Well guess what, Ass-Jacket?  You get to go on vacation without your heart medication because you’re a moron and because I’m a bitch.  Have fun!  Try not to do anything too crazy or your heart will probably explode and you will probably die.

It's like I took a picture of my cubby hole...

Patient:  Yeah, I’ve had this back problem for like 5 years and I want to come in for an appointment to get it checked out.

Me:  Ok, let’s see…how about next Tuesday?

Patient:  Um, you don’t have anything for tomorrow?  It’s really painful…

Me:  No, sorry, tomorrow is already booked up.  I can have you see the doctor on call today?

Patient:  No, I have to go bungee jumping today.  Listen, I don’t think you really understand the pain I’m in…I have to come in tomorrow.  

Me:  Ok, let me speak with the nurse about putting you on the doctor on call schedule for tomorrow afternoon.  We usually can’t schedule DOC appointments for the next day, but I’ll see what I can do.  It would be tomorrow afternoon ok?

Patient:  No, it has to be tomorrow morning… I will be busy tomorrow afternoon with a book club meeting.   Look, this is ridiculous.  I don’t want to have to find a new doctor, but I will if I have too.  Obviously my doctor is too busy to see me in emergencies…  Can’t you just call one of the other patients scheduled for tomorrow and ask them to move??

Listen, you just told me you have been dealing with your “back pain” for 5 years, something tells me it’s not quite the “emergency” you make it out to be.  Second, I am bending over backwards to try to help you out, and you being a complete douche bag is not really going to make this go smoother.  I mean, I realize that you have random bullshit that no one cares about to do and everything.  So you have two options here; either you come in when WE can see you or you can fuck off.

Patient: Whew!  Sorry I’m late!  Traffic was bad and I thought my appointment was for 10:00 not 9:30 and I got a flat tire and ran out of gas at the same time then on my way walking here uphill in the snow there was this orphanage on fire and it was being attacked by a giant octopus so I had to rescue 7 children and I inhaled a lot of smoke which has made my cough really bad so even though I am 2 hours late for my appointment I’m going to need you to go ahead and see me NOW.

It wasn't until much later that Bob realized he probably shouldn't have been holding a gas can when trying to help save the orphans from the fire. 

Me:  I’m sorry, but there are no more openings for today.  We will have to reschedule your appointment.

Patient: NO WAY!  I can’t believe you would make me drive all the way out here then tell me I have to reschedule my appointment!!  I want to speak to your manager!

Me:  I’m very sorry, but the doctor has a full schedule today and he is already seeing the person who was scheduled after you…

Patient:  What a crock of shit!!  I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.  Do you know who I am?!  I’m never coming back here!!

I know, I know, you really think I am exaggerating.  But I’m not. (Ok maybe a tiny bit...) People really show up super duper late, with every lame ass excuse they can think of when we both know the truth, they were RUNNING THE FUCK LATE.  Hey, it happens.  Don’t try to make excuses, and don’t act like a little bitch when you have to reschedule.  It’s the way the world works.

There are literally hundreds of examples; these are just the situations I encounter EVERY DAY, usually more than once or twice a day.  And really, if you think about it, these people are bitching at someone who has access to their permanent medical record!  I could hand out Herpes left and right if I wanted.  (Not that I would because that would be illegal and I would never do anything like that, HIPAA police) Just don’t push your luck, assholes.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

O yeah. Famous now. Part Deux


Stephanie -- Back up pervs, she's only 14!!
My good friend Shanna, her husband Ernie and their daughter Stephanie all bought some of my shirts!  Do you know what this means?!?!  It means they are fucking awesome that's what!

Seriously though, they wore their shirts to the gym last night and 3 people asked her about it.  Yeah.  THAT FAMOUS.  Oh God.  I really hope this popularity doesn't go to my head.  Hell, who am I kidding?! It already has!!! HAHAHAHA BITCHES!!!!

Just kiddin.

Stephanie is going to be my full time fashion model as soon as my permanent clothing line launches, that way we will all be rich and famous.  Yesssss. Big thanks to all of y'all!!

And if any of you other people want to check out the shit I have for sale-

Now off to Happy Hour.  Adios mis amores!!!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Quick Note

Every Friday night around 7:00 this red Dodge Charger pulls up in front of my neighbor’s garage. The man inside is probably in his late 40s. He lays on the horn for a solid 10 count and within a few moments this pretty little blonde, probably late 30s, comes bobbing down the stairs and gets into his car. He peals out when he takes off and I usually don’t see the car again until Saturday morning.

Ok, I know I can’t be the only “old-fashioned” person who thinks this is ridiculous. If Joe and I didn’t live together and he ever pulled up and blared his horn for me to come outside I would probably throw something at his truck. Probably more than one something.  Get the hell out of the car and go to the damn door like a motherfucking gentleman.

Maybe I have just been out of the dating world for too long but I expect doors to be opened for me and chairs to be pulled out; heavy things are carried and bathtub drains cleaned out even though it’s my hair because it’s just gross. He leads when we dance and puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me across a crowded room. I don’t have to ask him to do these things, he just does. He likes taking care of me.

Am I crazy? Is chivalry really dead?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Hey--Ass Jacket

You asked me to draw you a picture for your vacation.  And then I did.  And you left without it.  So here, Rebecca.  Now you get the public shame of it being posted for the world to see and know how much you don't care about the time it took me to draw this for you.  I even made you extra skinny with extra big boobs.  You're welcome.

The waves are my favorite part.  Not that you CARE!
Have fun in whatever the hell foreign country you're going to.  Here's hopin' you don't come back radioactive.  AssJacket.

OhMyGod I'll miss you. *sob* Hurry home.  Bitch.