Friday, February 4, 2011

The Great Freeze of 2011, Part Deux

Yesterday I looked Death in the face and almost peed myself whimpered cried a little laughed! After staying home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday due to a 3 inch layer of ice covering all of North Texas, I drove in to work. Big Dinosaur got to stay home Tuesday, but then he went in Wednesday and told me the roads weren’t so bad. So Thursday morning I got up, showered off the two days of grime that had collected and drove in to work.

Guess what? Big Dinosaur LIED!!! All the side roads were still icy as shit! The highways were a little better, in places they were completely covered but for the most part if you stayed within the two tiny tire grooves going down the exact center of each lane, you were ok. Only problem? I can’t even walk in a straight line, and you want me to keep both tires in these little trails? Yeah, sure.

Not to mention, that involves a level of concentration that I simply don’t poses! I would be driving along, doing my nice and safe 10 miles per hour, focusing real hard to stay in the lines, then I would get bored…change the radio station…look over there…oh that’s neat…OH SHIT!! Got out of the groove! Slid into 6 inch thick pile of frozen sludge in the center and shot into the next lane. Back to focusing real hard.

Went on like this for the entire hour and a half it took me to drive into Downtown Dallas, which by the way is usually only a 30 minute drive. By the time I got to work I was absolutely mentally exhausted from all the brain power. Ridiculous.

Then of course you have all the idiots driving around at like 80 threatening to ram into my pretty little car. And the ones who were mad at my 10 MPH pace and would get all up on my ass, pressuring me…go AROUND jackass!!

Our cities are not able to deal with this shit. We put sand on the ice. Now, I’m sure sand serves some function that I’m not aware of, like "traction" or "decoration," but the only thing I could tell that it did was make brown ice. Confusing as hell. Oh, look! That area isn’t icy, it’s dirt. Noooo motherfucker, it’s BROWN ICE. I don’t get the logic behind that one.

Another thing I still don’t understand, but have heard a lot lately, “black ice.” I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m fairly certain that it is ice made by Satan that will magically appear in front of you when you least expect it. I can assure you that I did encounter quite a bit of Satan ice.

Also, in Texas we don't have "blizzards," we have "Thunder Snows."  Yeah, basically a snow/ice/poison/death storm which also includes 70 mile per hour winds, thunder and lightning.  We do it big here.

The way home from work was no better, as the temperature didn’t exceed 23 for the day. I at least fared better than Shanna on her way home.  She was taken out by a speeding psychiatrist from our work, surprise, surprise.

Icy car fire ensued.
Once I got home, I kissed the ground. The dirty, brown ice ground. On the news last night they were saying we would get about a half inch of snow over night. Well, that’s no big deal. I can go into work in that.

Then we woke up this morning to this:

A half inch you say? Oh, you meant to say a half foot? Gotcha. Now we have 6 inches of snow on top of 3 inches of ice.  fantastic!  It’s been snowing it’s ass off all morning and it’s not supposed to stop until after noon.  I texted my boss, Rebecca to let her know I wouldn't be coming in today and she sent this back:

Rebecca's G-Ride stuck in snow 5 feet out of her parking space.  Sweeet!  At least she tried, right?
 So, I texted Shanna to see if she was going in and got this:

That's a negative, Red Rider.
 Obviously not very many of us made it into the office today.  I called and they had 3 doctors, 4 nurses and 0 phone help.  Sorry dudes, one day's salary wouldn't cover my deductible or medical bills when I crash and my car explodes into an icy car fire.

My brother sent me this diagram that explains exactly how we southerners feel about snow days:
Nails it on the head.  Sorry it's all crazy, sterroid big but I wanted you to be able to read it.  You're welcome.
 I wish I was the genius that came up with this, but I'm not.  I tried to locate the creator with some half assed extensive google research but was unable to find anything, so if you know who made this, let me know, I would like them to get credit for this masterpiece.
While doing my research I found that some of the country is making fun of us here in The South:

Got this from failblog.  Guess what?  Dallas had to borrow snow plows from other cities because they had zero.

This came from a Seattle, Washington newspaper, Komo News.  Article was titled, "Southerners Struggle in Heavy Snow." Jerks.

Well guess what, Washington, we’re not used to it. Give us a break, Yo!

I'll leave you with a few other random pictures from The Great Freeze of 2011.  I'm sure there will be more before this is all over.  Sheesh.
True love?  When they pump gas for you during a Thunder Snow because you let your tank run allll the way down to below empty because, "It's too cold to get gas!"
The only place open during a Thunder Snow? Good ol' Whataburger. We can always count on you, my love!


Shanna said...

Who was the tard that let the 7 smartest people we know into the building? Good luck on the return trip, you Moron's!

CatZilla said...

Yeah. I can only imagine how much fun they had today.

Pablo said...

I laugh at Texan winter. Also, I saw you commenting on The Bloggess. I felt like I had walked into a random bar and spotted an old friend.

I'm Susan Szold. said...

"Nooooooooo, motherfucker. It's brown ice." made my breakfast of Diet Coke shoot out of my did Satan ice. It is Satan ice and causes many of my friends to shatter their elbows.

It will be spring soon....but don't you guys get fire ants then?

Meanwhile, any sign of the 15,000 prostitutes that came for the Superbowl?

CatZilla said...

@Pablo- That's sweet!! :)

@Susan- Oh, you mean Satan Ants? Yes, they are bad around here. I'm pretty sure at least 5 babies a year are eaten by them. I should really stop putting honey on babies and sitting them on Fire Ant beds. :)

I didn't even get to see any hookers!! So very disappointing..

Heartichoke said...

Oh you poor Texans....what is cold? 23? 32? hehehe. It's funny because when it's all icy I'm actually happy when we get snow on top of it here! lol BTW black ice is ice on the roads at night, blends in with the road then.... **BAM**... you're sliding across the highway, shoot into the grass, pull a 1440, and land facing the wrong direction with a semi coming at you!!! I know.... I've been there...