Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Drugs: Why They're Awesome!!

Whoa people!  Don’t get all judgy on me.  I don’t judge you do I?  Of course I do.  Besides, I’m not talking about those crazy ass street drugs.  You know: crack, smack, punk, juice, weeze, sticky, yuck, clink, lick, chew, popsicle.  None of that crap.  (Note- I seriously just made most of those drug names up, so if you invent a new street drug and decide to use one of my names, I hereby mandate that it be called CatZilla’s [insert random drug name].  Also, said drug can’t kill people.  Except mean people.  That’s fine.)
I’m talking about the splendid cocktail of prescriptions and over the counter medications I take by the handful, on a daily basis.  Yep, that’s right.  All legal bitches!  Well, I'm pretty sure they're all legal anyway.  Maybe one I'm not sure about...Regardless, I love them all so much I drew you a picture of them!

Oh Skinny!  You so crazy!  Get up!
Look at those guys!!  Aren’t they just the best group you’ve ever seen??  Let me introduce you.
Far left, that laughable little fellow is Skinny.  He crazy!  Honestly, I wish I could tell you what he was made of, but he comes out of a bottle that has nothing but Chinese writing on it so…fuck if I know.  What I do know is that he makes it really easy for me to only eat a tiny turkey sandwich for lunch and be completely fine with it.  Not to mention he helps me get my work done and he gives me those little heart murmurs palpitations flutters that I just can’t live without!  Plus, I’ve lost 16 pounds since we’ve met.  LOVE HIM!!
Next up is Happy.  Happy really shouldn’t even be included in this family portrait because he’s about to be fired and replaced.  He can’t seem to handle his job responsibilities and has been slacking a lot lately.  I mean seriously, all he has to do is give me the motivation to get out of bed on a daily basis and prevent me from going bat-shit crazy and trying to scratch out other peoples’ eyeballs.  Is that really too much to ask?  No, no it isn’t.  I’ll update you when New Happy comes along.
After that, we have Sleepy.  Oh, Sleepy.  How I love thee.  When Sleepy’s not around things can go real bad, real fast.  Between Skinny wanting to party all the time and Happy sucking at his job, Sleepy is a glorious escape into the wondrous land of dreams.  Where we all frolic and play and dance under the moon to our little heart’s content!  This is good for y’all, because dreamland is where I come up with most of this shit.  You’re welcome.
Last, but not least, we have Healthy.  Healthy is an over the counter generic really expensive daily vitamin and he happens to be supremely magical.  For real y'all.  No matter how much booze I drink, deep fried ranch dressing I eat, cigarettes I smoke or unknown Chinese diet pills I take, Healthy makes it alllll better.  Like a big, giant vice eraser.  He’s my vitamins, my exercise and my piece of mind all in one!  As long Healthy is around I’ll never die!!  Yep, you heard that right, daily vitamins make me IMMORTAL!!  Of course that’s just my opinion.  And I’d hope by now y’all realize that I happen to be legitimately insane.
There is one main ingredient to my daily regimen that’s not pictured though.  “Why?” you ask?  Because he gets his very own portrait.

I love him and he loves me and we're getting married and YOU CAN'T STOP US!!!
My dearest Lo-Carb Monster.  What wouldn’t I do for you and at least two of your friends every day?  Your delectable mixture of…whatever the hell you’re made of… is my life blood.  We have a romance that surpasses all others.  You and I will be together forever.  FOR-EV-ER.  Others may drink you, but they don’t appreciate you for all that you are and I know that you really only exist for me.  You and I my love, we’ll go far. 

One thing my amazing drugs can't do for me?   Help me figure out how to conclude my posts.  Someone should invent a pill for better conclusion skills/sumairization abilities/end this post capabilities and let me endorse it here to my TEN (that's right bitches, I have TEN now) loyal followers.  Where the hell is that Cam guy when I need him???  Shit.

PS- Dear Company That Makes Lo-Carb Monster and its Other Famous Drinks:
I swear if you send me lifetime free Lo-Carb Monster I will plug your shit on a daily basis.  My followers will abandon me like a herpes infected tube of chap stick, but it will be worth it

*Don't worry guys, it won't happen.  Maybe.

6 comments:

I'm Susan Szold. said...

So funny I snorted.

And no one knows how to end there blog posts. I think we shoud just end them like

Brandi said...

TOO DAMN FUNNY! YOU ARE THE QUEEN! I TOTALLY AGREE I LOVE MY CHEMICAL REHAB!

The Most AWESOME Cousin EEEVAAARRR! said...

You seriously make my days brighter! Pure greatness!

Pablo said...

This is how Monster initially seduced me: Bigness. I was having puny Redbulls before workouts and then I saw these Monster (sized) things for the same price. Screw what they say. Size matters. I couldn't even tell you how they taste (like blue? or orange?)

Also, with the mouth you drew on it, I now have the uncontrollable urge to shotgun that sumbitch.

Heartichoke said...

Cat you crack me up.... Those Chinese diet pills sound crazy! Plus, I think I am missing out on a lot by being up north... I mean deep fried ranch dressing sounds really good to me and Nebraskans hardly know how to spell ranch dressing... or jalapeno...

CatZilla said...

oooh no! -16 AND no ranch or jalapenos?!?!?! COME HOME! If I must, I will initiate a search and rescue attempt...