Monday, January 17, 2011

The Fire

 As I’m driving home from work today I saw a huge, black plume of smoke over in the distance.  It was obvious something was on fire.  Cool.  As I kept driving it got closer and closer, so then I started getting kind of excited because it looked like it might be on my route home and seeing stuff on fire is AWESOME! (Don’t judge me.  You know you like seeing stuff on fire too, bitches.)
So I turn down Northwest Highway and the smoke looks like it is just down the street.  Sweet! I’m going to see something on FIRE!  I start trying to think about all the things that could possibly be burning, and then it hits me: On Northwest Highway there is a huge manure plant right next door to a place where they build wooden playground sets.  (Yeah, great planning, I know.) 
So then, I’m wondering how the poo factory could have caught on fire in the first place.  How, you ask?  Homeless people. Yep, homeless people.  They are always starting fires to keep warm and to cook small animals and shit. Problem is homeless people don’t know a lot about fire safety and of course you and I know that poop is super flammable, but they don’t because they are not so smart.  I mean, they used to be, but the amphetamines rotted out that part of their brain, you know?

Raccoons are tasty!

 It makes perfect sense!  One guy was like, “Dude, it’s 35 degrees out here.  We should start a fire.”  And the other guy was like, “Yeah! Plus I have this raccoon I need to cook.”  They start their fire and go to put the raccoon on it when BAM!  “That raccoon’s not dead, Yo!”  And the raccoon jumps out of the fire but he still has an ember on his tail and as soon as the ember hits the big mountain of poo they are standing next to, WOOSH!  That shit goes up!  (haha)
 Don’t worry though, the raccoon was fine and he ran home to his family, but the damage had been done.  Once the poo mountain starts spewing flying clumps of poo-dirt one of the flaming poo rockets lands on the wooden playground equipment and it’s all done for.  Massive poo-playground inferno.
That shit would burn for YEARS!  Ok, maybe just days, but a long ass time, you know? Really it’s the City of Dallas’ fault for letting them build a manure factory next to a huge pile of playground wood.  Luckily nobody was injured because it was 5:20 and we all know factory workers clock out and leave at 5:00 on the dot.
So while all this is going on in my head I realize that I haven’t seen the smoke in awhile so I look around for it.  IT’S GONE!  I look every direction!  Nowhere!  You can imagine my disappointment.  Not only was the poo plant completely intact but I didn’t even get to see any fire at all!  Totally anticlimactic, I know.  So I would like to stick with my story because it is WAY better than what really happened.  The End.
Note- If it was your house that was on fire, I was just kidding and fires are horrible.


Stoopid Ass Balla said...

I like your story better too...but who wouldn't??

I'm Susan Szold. said...

I LOVED funny. The visuals. And, so true, as long as it's not your house, an orphanage or all of Losa Angeles, fires are mucho cool.