Friday, April 20, 2012

We Had a Baby!

9 months.  Why do they call it 9 months? It's not you's 40 weeks.  Closer to 10 months really and since I didn't know for the first 8 weeks....and I was induced one week early...maaath is haaard....31 weeks.  That's how long I had been waiting for this day.  Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

I had been on "bed rest" for 2 weeks.  My stupid blood pressure was high and not going down so my doctor decided to induce my labor on Monday, March 5th.  Like I've said before, knowing when your going to have baby is like someone saying, "Hey, come to the hospital on this day.  We're going to put you through immeasurable pain then give you an amazing gift.  It'll be fun!"  Great.  Let's do it.

We had to show up the evening before and I wasn't going to be allowed to eat anything until after I delivered, so we met up with some of our closest friends at my favorite restaurant and I gorged myself until I could hardly waddle out of the place.

When we got to the hospital and were checking in, I could hear women moaning up and down the hallway.  Such a reassuring sound.  Pain.

The hospital staff was super friendly and seeing as how I have never been admitted to the hospital for anything in my life other than my own birth, you could say I was a little nervous.  Late that evening they started my on the first medication and gave me my first ever IV.  When I asked the nurse what I should expect from this med, she said "Well, it's supposed to soften and thin out your cervix to make it easier for you to dilate.  Honestly I've seen it throw women into full-blown labor within the hour...and I've seen it do nothing at who knows."  Great! That's super helpful.

That first night was long.  All the nurses kept saying, "Try to get some sleep, you'll need your strength tomorrow."  Again, very reassuring.  That's exactly what will get me to fall asleep!  Remind me that I will be in a battle with my vagina tomorrow.  Thanks!!  I missed my dog.  It's bullshit that you can't bring your dog to the hospital with you.  I think it would help a lot of people recover a hell of a lot faster if they could cuddle with their best friend.  Joe couldn't sleep.  The chair-that-folds-into-the-squeakiest-bed-in-the-unvierse wasn't too comfortable. 

Finally around 7 AM they started the Pitocin drip.  Alright!  Let's get this party started!  Around 10 AM my doctor came in with the worlds largest crochet hook and broke my water.  Yeah, it was dramatic.  I let the contractions roll until about Noon then decided it was time for drugs.  Gloooorious drugs!

My anesthesiologist was a rock star and was easily able to painlessly insert the huge ass needle into my back delivering the goods.  Sweet, sweet leg numbness.  Honestly, from the horror stories I had heard, I was more nervous about the epidural than labor itself.  Yeah, I had that all kinds of wrong.

By this time both mine and Joe's immediate families were there.  I progressed annoyingly slow but since I wasn't feeling any pain I just sat and read.  I was about half way through "The Book Thief" when I started feeling some contractions again. It was about 6 PM and the nurse had just let me know I was only at 6 centimeters dilated. Then the contractions got worse...and worse...and HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN THAT HURTS.  What the hell??! I have drugs!  I shouldn't be feeling like this...what the hell?!?  I kept pushing the little drug button, but the pain wasn't going away.  My mom and Joe's mom (who both kept reminding me that they had had their children naturally) kept telling me to breathe through it.  I didn't want to breathe through it, damnit!  I didn't want to feel it!

Around 7 PM the nurse came back in and said, "Oh....are you feeling contractions?"  Uh yeah bitch "Yessssss."  "On a scale of 1-10, how bad is the pain?" Mother-fucking 10 bitch! " least a 7 or 8?!"  "Oh wow, you shouldn't be hurting like that."  And she called the anesthesiologist back in and he shot me with another huge dose of drugs.  It helped a little, not a lot.  The nurse then let me know that I had progressed from 6 cm to 10 cm in the past hour and it was about to be time to push.

It took 15 hours for me to get from 1 cm to 6 cm.....and 1 hour to go from 6 cm to 10 cm.  No wonder the epidural couldn't keep up!  When the nurse told me I was at 10, I burst into tears.  I think it was a combination of pent up nerves, pain, and relief that it was finally time.  I pulled myself together and got ready then the nurse let me know that I may have to push for 2 hours or more. (Just full of helpful information, wasn't she?) Fuck that.  I looked at the clock, it was 8:25 PM.  I made my mind  up that minute that this baby would be out within the hour.

For the first 30 minutes of pushing, my doctor wasn't even there.  Joe was awesome, he kept a cold rag on my head when I wanted it and fed me ice.  He constantly told me how well I was doing.  I threw up from the effort of pushing and he handled it like a champ.  At one point I thought I was going to black out but I made myself stay awake.  I knew it would take longer if I passed out.

The doctor showed up, I pushed.  They got everything ready, I pushed.  I will never in my life forget the feeling of that last push.  He was here.  I sobbed with relief and joy, they put him on my chest.  He was wide awake and he just stared at me.  He was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my life, I was instantly madly in love.

The nurses took him off my chest and put him on the baby table.  He still wasn't crying.  He's supposed to be crying.  Why wasn't he crying?  The nurses were vigorously rubbing him all over, smacking him on the bottom of his feet.  He just looked at them like, "What the hell?!?!  Leave me alone!"  His color was great, nice and pink.  They called in the NICU team because he wasn't crying.  I was terrified.  My doctor kept telling me he was okay but I was still terrified.  The NICU team started laughing at the looks they were getting from the baby.  That's when I knew he was okay.  He just didn't want to cry.  And that's fine.

He was perfect in every single way, 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long, born at 9:32 PM on Monday, March 5th.  We had to stay in the hospital until that Wednesday and we went home.

Now, I have a happy, healthy 7 week old baby boy.  He is the light of my life and I would do anything in the world for him.  It's been an interesting 7 weeks, not a lot of sleep, but I'll talk more about our adventures in some next posts.  For now, we would like to introduce you to our baby.  Enjoy!

Big Dinosaur with Baby Dinosaur

"No pictures, please."


"Welcome to the Gun Show"

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