Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Lizard

Please note- This post has frequent use of the F-Bomb.  If that offends you, you obviously don't understand the danger of lizards and you won't appreciate this at all.  The rest of you, carry on.

Do you know what this is?

This is a mother fuckin lizard.  This is a mother fuckin lizard in the mother fuckin house!  Let’s break this down.

Lizard’s Intended threat is marked at 20% because, let’s face it, if he was big enough he’d fuck shit up!

Actual Lizard Size:
Perceived lizard size:

Do you understand the severity of this problem?!?!?!
Let’s start from the beginning:
December, 29th 2010:
Angel and I wake up bright and early around 1:00PM after going out the night before for my Birthday.  Needless to say we drank a little much the night before so we were both feeling a little “under the weather.”  Angel’s Ex comes by and drops off the baby so we are all sitting in the living room watching Dora because that chick is amazing.  Angel gets up to go to the bathroom.  As she is walking down the dark hallway she notices a long blackish spot on the wall.  Her first thought, obviously, is that one of us drunkenly ran into it last night causing a hole.  She decides to lean in closer to check it out.  Even closer.  She reaches up to touch the spot and in the same instant I come around the corner and flip on the hall light.  The murderous screams can be heard for blocks.  Her two boxers begin running wildly though the house trying to figure out who or what is killing us.  The baby just laughs and chases after the dogs.
After the initial shock wears off we both look at each other like “There is a mother fuckin lizard in the mother fuckin house!!  What. The. Fuck.”  We decide the best option is to call someone so they can come remove it for us.  I can’t call Big Dinosaur because he is mad at me for staying the night at Angel’s in the first place and not returning my calls so Angel calls The Ex.  He refuses to come help because he is a lowly bastard.  He says something about how he's “working” and mentions the fact that Angel once caught an opossum that was hanging out in the bathtub, so she hangs up on him.
CatZilla:  So when is he coming to get it?
Angel:  He’s not.
CatZilla:  What the fuck?!  What are we supposed to do?  Let’s call the police.  They are more prepared to handle these things.  
Angel:  He said, “If you can remove an opossum, you can remove a lizard.”
Cat:  Oh yeah.  I forgot about that.
Angel:  Ok.  We can do this.
“We?!?” Fuck you and your “We.” I didn’t remove the damn opossum.
C:  Ok.
Angel goes to get “something” to catch the lizard in.  My job, very important, is to stand and watch the lizard to make sure it doesn’t mutate into the knife wielding, man-killer which I assume all lizards are fully capable of doing.  I watch.  I wait.  The lizard looks at me.  I whimper.  Angel FINALY comes back with a box.  It’s little, about 6 inches squared, but I think it may just work.
A: Ok, so I’ll just hold the box up next to him and he’ll just walk right in and we’ll take him outside.
C:  Yeah!! That’s awesome! Good idea!
She reaches up with the box and holds it next to the lizard.  He looks at us like the absolute morons that we are and goes nowhere.
C:  Move it closer!  He can’t see it!  He doesn’t understand!
Angel moves the box closer to the lizard.  She accidently touches the lizard with the box.  The lizard does a flying leap off the wall and onto Angel’s arm.  I don’t think I have adequate words to describe the pure chaotic panic that ensues.  Angel screams and flails her arms wildly.  I scream because I’m not sure why, then I realize I don’t know where the lizard is and it may very well be on me, so I scream because of that.  We continue screaming and flailing, screaming and flailing for at least a few minutes.
After awhile we calm down enough to realize the lizard is not on either of us and we panic again not knowing where he is for a second.  Then we locate him.  He is in the middle of the hallway floor breathing really, really hard.  I know this because I can see its little body puffing in and out really fast.  Did I say “little body?”  I meant to say “His ginormous body was heaving with every fiery breath.”  Yeah…that’s right.
Anyway, then Angel reaches down and puts the box on the floor in front of the lizard because it didn’t work the first time so surely it will work the second.  This again causes the lizard to freak out and he jumps back up on the wall almost exactly where he was to begin with.  Angel and I shriek in fear while it moves and wait for it to stop.
This whole time the baby has no idea what’s going on.  She is busy watching Dora and chasing the dogs around the house.  The usual stuff two year-olds do.  We decide to point out the lizard to her to see if she has any thoughts on the matter.  It took about 5 tries for her to actually see what we were pointing at, but once she did she joined us in our uninhibited fear.  She hides behind Angel and is absolutely no help at all.
Seeing as how we are back to square one, Angel decides it’s time for a new plan.  She leaves the hallway for a moment and must have grown massive balls while she was gone because she returns wearing two puffy, red oven mitts.  I realize her plan the moment I see her and I am incapacitated with sheer terror.  I try talking her out of it.
Why yes, that is orange 70s shag carpeting.  Angel keeps it real

C:  Angel, NO!  It’s not worth it! Let’s just call 911!
A:  I can do this!!
I back as far away as the small hallway will allow as she reaches for the beast’s midsection.  It squirms out of her grip and we all scream some more.  She then does the unthinkable and reaches for it AGAIN!  She got it!  We stand there for a second not sure what to do next.  Then:
A:  GO! GO! GO! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
C:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *while running to open the door*
Angel throws the lizard outside and we LIVE!!!!  She is my fucking hero.  The lizard didn’t even lose its tail.  We are fucking amazing! Yes, WE! As in her AND I!!! Even though I did nothing… I was there for emotional and moral support and let’s face it, she couldn’t have done it without me!
The baby has not stopped talking about the lizard in the house.  I’m pretty sure we did irreparable damage to her little brain that day.  Scarred her for life.  At least she will know the true danger of lizards.  You’re welcome baby girl. 


The Most AWESOME Cousin EEEVAAARRR! said...

Oh My Goodness!! You crack me up! Just wish I could've been there to see the insanity in person.

Brandi said...

That shit if F'in HILARIOUS! OMG! I am cryin over here! You're the BESTEST!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You have a small crocodile on your wall.

Thought you should know.

CatZilla said...

Thanks y'all!

@Jenny, You rock my world, thought you should know. ;)