Sunday, May 22, 2011

Damnit!! Now I'll never be the leader of my own colony!!

I asked Big Dinosaur if I could get a sword the other day and he said no.  What?!  You bought me a Benelli, pump action, 20 gauge shotgun (named Black Betty) and a Taurus .45 but you don’t trust me with a sword??  What about the battle axe I keep behind our bed in case of home (or space) invaders?  (Talk about breaking into the wrong house…poor bastard would lose an arm.) And it is DEFINITELY a battle axe because it has pointy parts on one side …for poking people and shit…

SEE!!  I don't make this shit up!  This photo was taken on the rug in my kitchen.

He said if I got a sword he could see me injuring myself or him with it on accident.  Pshh… Whatever!   I don’t even want a Samurai sword (yesIdotheonefromKillBill), I want a big-ass King Arthur sword.  Or maybe a Spartan sword, that would be cool too.   I mean, I could kill a person with my ninja skills too but you don’t see me going around using them do you?  Except of course when I have to jump 20 foot walls or become invisible but that doesn’t hurt anyone.

My point is, if I was going to injure someone, I could think of a hell of a lot more convenient things to use than a sword.  Like…beer bottles.  I mean, I usually have at least one or two of those within arm’s reach.  And beer bottles are a multi-use weapon; the full ones you can throw and the empty ones you can break off the ends and get all stabbish on people.   (Yes, I believe I just made that word up.  It’s like stabby, but not quite)
Or possibly one of the bar stools we use for kitchen chairs.   I could bludgeon someone pretty easily with one of those, but I don’t, because I’m a nice PERSON!!  And I don’t want you people thinking I’m a bad person just because I know these things.  I am a prepared person with a little thing called a Kick-Ass survival  instinct.  I think shit out.  

I support the right to arm bears!  (That's Black Betty on the far left)

Big Dinosaur does too! As a matter of fact we already had plans as to what we would do if the world ended at 6:00 yesterday.  Over off of Highway 114 there is an Academy Sports & Outdoors, we were going to take it over.  Then, we would trade guns and ammo for food with the people who take over the Wal Mart across Hwy 26.  THEN we will work as a team to take over the hospital on the other side of 114 and BAM!  We are the resistance, mo fos!!   See none of this actually went down, because it wasn’t needed but we had a plan. Basic first rule of survival: Have a PLAN.  And guns AND SWORDS!

Wow.  It's literally like I just uploaded a picture from Google Maps.  I'm getting good at this shit!!

Do you know how much easier it would be to take over all of those places and begin “The New World with Cat & Joe” if I had a sword?? (That’s what we decided we would name our new colony.  Y’all can come too!)  An ass-ton.  It would be an ass-ton easier with a sword.  Because guns are more efficient and all, but other people tend to take you a hell of a lot more seriously if you have a sword.  And Big Dinosaur doesn’t get that part, I guess.

To get back at him I have decided to bedazzle my shotgun.  I’ll let you know how it goes.


Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I vote beer bottles too.

I'm Susan Szold. said...

If the world gors awry, I will make it to your new world with myfamily just like Viggo Mortensen did with his son in "The Road." We will arrive filthy and scared and go directly to the hospital//then we will arm ourselves and go to Walmart for Skittles which, I think, are -secretly-as good for you as fruit.

I support yout new world order. And I want a sword, too.

Janet NZ said...

I want a BEDAZZLED sword! - how cool would THAT be??

CatZilla said...

@Lemons- Agree! Beer bottles are a handy weapon, indeed!

@Susan- YAY!! I was hoping you and your family would come. Everyone is invited. As long as they're funny. That's the only qualification :) I'll reserve a sword for you in case it happens!!

@Janet- A bedazzled sword is pretty much the most impressive weapon EVER! You must join The New World with Cat & Joe too! Not quite sure how you would get to Texas from New Zealand...but we can figure out the details later :)

Shanna :o) said...

I thought EVERYONE had a sword? Guess not! Miss you, sista!!!!

lifeshighway said...

Hey, I have twirling sabre skills will that work in your army?

CatZilla said...

@Shanna- I miss you too!!! Can I have your sword??

@LifesHwy- Uh, YES!!! You can be the "Sword Skills Trainer" in The New World with Cat and Joe!