Sunday, May 1, 2011

Yeah, We're Dumb

My great friend Susan over at Susan Says… sometimes writes posts about being dumb entitled, “The Two Stupidest People on Earth Live in Our House Part 1 and Part 2.”  Although I don’t think Susan is anywhere near stupid, (she’s actually quite brilliant) I have decided to jump on this bandwagon, mainly because Big Dinosaur and I figured something out this weekend that has been messing with us ME for the entire year and a half we have lived in our apartment.  So Susan, we win. We are by far stupider and possibly the stupidest on Earth.

The story begins when we first moved in.  The lighting in our apartment is relatively good, all except for in the bedroom.  The switch in the bedroom looks like this.


Yeah, confusing, I know.  The four little buttons on the far left side control the fan speed, “High, Med, Low and Fan Off” The horizontal switch is also to turn the fan completely off.  The big green button that says “Light” well that works the light. (Durrr)  So then the normal switch on the right actually just works one outlet in the corner of the room.  This happens to be the outlet where I plug in my phone charger so it’s a really big pain in my ass when someone accidentally turns it off because I die when my phone dies, so that shit is just plain dangerous.

Back to the lighting.  The light in the fan was always really, really dim and it bugged the shit out of me.  I am very aware that I could have bought a lamp and that the “normal switch” is probably intended for working a lamp but I didn’t fucking want to okay?!

Over the past year and a half I have made it my mission in life to figure out how to get the bedroom brighter, without a lamp.  I bought one halogen bulb, but it was too long and it pressed against the glass bowl.  Being a worrier, I pretty much just knew this was bad.  Not sure WHY it was bad, it just was.  So I got another, shorted halogen bulb that was shorter.  This worked great for brightness, only problem, it flickered ALL NIGHT LONG.  It was a really subtle flicker, and you couldn’t see it if you closed your eyes, so I dealt with it as long as I could until one night it finally made me bat-shit crazy and I pulled the bulb out in a furious rage.  

So then I went back to a regular bulb with like a gazillion watts. YEAH!!! That’ll show ‘em!!  But when Big Dinosaur found out, he said I couldn’t do that because the light-hole-thingy was only allowed to have like 60 watts or something.  I told him that was stupid and it would be fine and he told me I would burn down the apartment and because the fan is directly over the bed where we sleep I took that bulb out too.

About 2 months ago I gave up.  Yes, that’s right; the most stubborn person in the world gave up. I put back in the original dim bulb that came with the apartment and sulked for a few days in our dungeon room. 

Last night, something magical scary happened. I was laying in bed and I had just taken out my eyeballs and Big Dinosaur got up to turn out the light (because it’s his job because he’s closer even though he doesn’t need to take his eyeballs out) and by accident held down the “Light” button for a second.  The room got darker, but not quite dark.  We were both a little stunned.  Big Dinosaur said, “What was that?”  And I said, “NOOOOOOOO SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! I HOPE THAT’S NOT STUCK THAT WAY!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS LIGHT!!!”  Ok, maybe I was a little more stunned than he was.  But like I said, I’ve been doing battle with this thing for the past year and a half, so, you know, I was mad and stuff.

Then for some miraculous reason, he held it down again.  And it went out, then back on, then brighter and brighter AND BRIGHTER until we had the brightest room in the fucking universe!!!! Turns out, we have a dimmer that was always stuck on “too fucking dim” because Big Dinosaur and I were too fucking dim to realize we had a FUCKING DIMMER!!!  

The downside?  Now I can see how dusty our room is.  Damnit. 

Told you, Susan, we win.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love reading your stuff. You just crack me up. And make me smile. :) Thanks. You should get paid for this stuff.

~T.Rob.

michael b said...

thanks for the laughs! kristie and i enjoy reading your words.

bowling?? (as long as you don't blog about me)

emily illinois said...

THAT'S AWESOME!

Look on the bright side, it's like christmas came early. Or late...

Chris B. said...

Ha, I can always count on you for a laugh. You would think someone would have told you about this when your were moving in.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

hahaha. nice.

CatZilla said...

@Nurgle- Bowling? Anytime, Anyplace. You and Krispy are going DOWN!! (But preferably at Showplace on $1 night...because we are cheap)

@Everyone else- Glad y'all liked it!! Thanks for reading!! :)

tcutraveler said...

When I first saw the picture of your light switch, I was like WTF IS THAT? Some dry erase board with magnets or something? Glad you explained that mess.

P.S. the weird word you have to type in before you can submit your comment is: shilt.
That is just too funny.

I'm Susan Szold. said...

Cat!! So, I'm reading and I think, "Oh, she has another friend named Susan...that's nice. Then I think, "My God, her other Susan wrote two blog post just like mine!" then I realize that my stupidity struck yet again. Then I got all emotional that you said such nice things about me. Thank you for the kind words and for linking me up.

Then, and here comes the best part--I laughed my giant ass off at your post. Your first commenter is right--you should get paid for this. Plus I think you are the funniest person I know.
Love, Stupid.
P.S. I have been saving one last horrific manifestation of my stupidity for just such an occasion and it shall be tomorrow's post. Then we shall call Drew Carey (or Patton Oswalt) becasue he seems like the type who'd judge competitions like this and see just who's stupider, young lady. XO

Maria said...

Nice!!!! Catzilla, you're right...you win!!! I love reading Susan's stupid posts and I loved this one too. Admitidly, I saw where it was going right from the start so, maybe I'm not quite as dumb, but I do stupid shit too. I can hardly wait until another one comes along and I can share it. Thanks for the laugh!

Sharyn said...

I once had to give a friend instructions on how to -- uummm -- use the potty wearing a swimsuit without having to get entirely undressed. We all have our moments of obliviousness to the obvious, don't we? I have mine but I'll be darned if I'll admit to them and if confronted, I'll deny.

Pablo said...

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Dimmers are tricky contraptions. They brighten and then they dim ;)

CatZilla said...

@Pablo- Yeah, that information would have been helpful, like....a year and a half ago. ;)

Blogmuse said...

How stupid is it that I had to re-read the explanation of the mess like 4 times?! And even after that i was still really fucking confused. I am perhaps equally, if not more
Stupid than you and Big Dinosaur. Perhaps I should ask Lobster to read it as see how he fares. He is usually slower than I am so that makes me feel better. Most of the time. In fact, when I need to feel smart I throw a random made up fact at him just to see if he buys it. Don't tell him though.

lifeshighway said...

Oh that is hilarious but don't feel bad. McGyver could not have figured out that light switch.

Pablo said...

Yoooo, how come there's not a new post??? Come on, Catzilla!!

Lauren said...

The light switch thingy looks like it is also a remote. Does the fan control part come out? Because then you could keep it by the bed and nobody would have to get up to turn it off.