Saturday, June 4, 2011

Asshole Chicken

The other day I had this BRILLIANT idea to try and make something new for dinner.  I set out 2 chicken breasts to thaw and spent the entire next day thinking and planning about what I would do.

When the time came, I mixed up some broccoli, corn and an ass-ton of cheese with some yummy seasoning and the always useful, Tony’s.  I flayed and pounded out the chicken breasts, crammed them full of my delicious mixture, wrapped them up like burritos and stuck about 15 toothpicks in each to hold all the goods in. 

I put them in a glass casserole dish and decided to dump a can of broccoli cheese soup over the top for some added deliciousness.  Stuck them in the oven at 350 at sat down to anticipate my delectable creation.

Big Dinosaur was impressed!  Hell, I was impressed with myself!  40 minutes later, with our mouths watering to the point of drool puddles, I pulled them out of the over.  They were glorious, smelled like heaven and bubbly cheese was seeping out of the cracks.  Amazing.  I was so excited I could barely contain myself. 

I put them on a plate and asked Big Dinosaur to go get my phone because I was going to cut that bitch in half, take a picture and post that shit to facebook so all my friends and family could “Ooo” and “Awe” over my kick-ass culinary skills.

I start pulling out the toothpicks and one was being stubborn.  I gave it a good yank.  The entire plate fell to the floor and my beautiful stuffed chicken breasts smashed to the disgusting less than clean kitchen floor.  I just looked at it for a second then looked up at Big Dinosaur.  He was looking at me trying to figure out what my reaction would be.  I started bawling like a tiny baby.

Crying is a very rare thing for me and Big Dinosaur does not handle it well.  He just doesn’t know what to do but knows he wants the tears to stop.  He quickly bent down and scooped up the ruined mess of chicken, broccoli and cheese and tossed it in the trash can.  He just kept repeating, “It’s okay!  I’m sorry!  It’s okay!  I’m sorry” and giving me hugs. 

I of course told him to quit apologizing because he didn’t do anything and he says, “I know, I’m just sorry that happened to you!!”   I was so mad at myself I just kept repeating, “I’m so stupid!  Why do I ruin everything?! I’m such a moron!  I suck at life.”  Although, I have a hard time talking when I’m crying, so it sounded more like, “Sussha stooopid! Ijuss runn errrthinnn! Sussha morrrn! Isuuuuuuk liiif!”

2 days planning and 2 hours preparing a meal which neither of us got to enjoy.  I didn’t even get to take a picture of it before I destroyed it.  We ate nothing but mashed potatoes for dinner.  Worst. Dinner. Ever. 

I am, however, going to try it again because it sounds so dammed delicious.  That chicken was an assjacket.


Janet NZ said...

Catzilla 0 - Chicken 1

next round... ?

Perhaps the chicken had e-coli and the gods were trying to protect you two???

I'm Susan Szold. said...

I agree with Janet! That chicken would have killed you. Fate was looking out for you and Big Dinosaur whose reaction was so damn cute that I love him even more than I did before.

The idea of you crying broke my heart...I will beat up that lousy ecoli-ridden chicken to within an inch of its' goddam life.

Your recipe sounds delicious. Make more than two next time so you have leftovers!!

CatZilla said...

I am really going to try it again, because i really did look and smell delicious, so I will definitely make more than 2 this time. If anything, just to insure that if I throw some on the ground, I'll have extras!

It was really cute the way Big Dinosaur reacted though.. :)

Thanks for reading ladies!!

Uncle Keith said...

When am I invited over to try this dish?