Thursday, March 10, 2011

Sarah McLachlan Wants Me to be a Serial Killer

Ok, this has been going on for a couple of years and it’s high time we discuss it.  You know that commercial Sarah McLachlan did for the ASPCA?  Oh you don’t?  This one:

Ok, so I guess she did one for every country in the world, because this video is actually for the British Columbia SPCA, but you get the point.

So.  Let’s discuss our feelings after watching that.  First I feel sad.  So sad I want to cry.  Those poor little animals just sitting there, shivering.  Breaks my heart.  Then the next thought that comes to my mind, “Who could do such a thing….”  And I start pondering the type of person it would take to harm sweet little puppies.  The more pondering I do, the more I realize that these are bad people.  Very bad people.  Then I start to get angry.  Very angry.   Very, blinding rage, kill-bill-song-playing-want-to-go-on-a-murderous-spree-of-people-who-abandon-bunnies angry. 

For about the past 5 years they have played this commercial religiously on cable networks.  Worst part is they play it late at night so usually I’ve had  two dozen a few beers by the time I see it so I’m a little “sensitive.”  I end up trying to call the hotline and leave messages with all my info and telling them how much I love animals and Sarah McLachlan and that if they would just send me the names and addresses of the people that hurt the animals they wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore because I will kill them.  I will poke out their eyes with forks and cut off their tails ears and burn them with cigarettes so they will know how it feels!!

I have never heard back from the ASPCA so my guess is either -
A:  They can’t understand what I’m saying because of my slurring and blubbering.
B: They can understand what I’m saying and really don’t think that they should let a slobbering drunk “adopt all 17 dogs and 12 cats from the commercial” as I requested.
C: They believe me to be a homicidal maniac just looking for a reason to cut someone.
Or possibly D: They already have enough people doing their murderous bidding and simply don’t need my help.
And then of course there’s E: I have the wrong fucking number. 
Either way, they won’t communicate.

This is not healthy for me.  I shouldn’t have such rage for people.  I shouldn’t sit around and think about giving total strangers paper cuts in between their fingers or poking them in the eyeballs over and over.  And the worst part??  I know Sarah McLachlan is 100% aware of these feelings her commercial conjures up.  She is a wicked brain-washer who is using her powers for evil instead of good.  Well, I mean, mostly good with the whole rescuing starving horses and shit, but a little bit of evil with the whole messy, trying to get people to commit manslaughter part.  

Can I just say here how bad-ass I am at drawing fire....

You know in the movie Hocus Pocus how Sarah Jessica Parker would sing that song and all the kids would turn into zombies and follow the witches to their cottage of doom where they would suck up the kids’ souls to make themselves younger?  Well it’s exactly like that except nobody wants anyone’s soul, kids aren’t really involved and Sarah McLachlan is not nearly as hot as Sarah Jessica Parker.  You see, when “Arms of the Angel” comes on, people just space out and start sharpening hack saws with their heads tilted at odd angels and the corners of their eyes twitching. 

Even the Blue-Hairs from the Senior Center Bridge Club can't resist this Siren's song.

So not only does Sarah McLachlan help raise money for the ASPCA, she lowers the number of people hurting animals by creating an army of killers ready to pull out other peoples’ teeth for kitties. (That should be on a T-Shirt somewhere. "I pull teeth for kitties!")  And now we find out that it’s not only in America she’s doing this, it’s all over the world.  Shame on you, Sarah McLachlan.  Shame on you, indeed.


Janet NZ said...

Oh, I dunno.... ANYTHING that makes us animal lovers want to murder the arsewipes who hurt the critters is ok by me :-) xxx

shanna said... have GOT to stop using so many trigger words in your awesome writings. YOU NOW HAVE HOMELAND SECURITY MONITORING YOUR BLOGGGGGGG! Fuck off you jackwagons!!!!!

I'm Susan Szold. said...

I agree with everythng you said, have always wanted to sharpen hacksaws when I hear "In the Arms of an Angel" and love that Janet used the compound word "arsewipes."

Plus this made me really, really laugh.

CatZilla said...

Janet- I agree completely!

Shanna- You can't say BOMB on a blog?!?! BOMB-DITTY-BOMB-BOMB-BOMB!!! :)

Susan- Thanks! I knew you would like this one!

jess said...

i have to leave the room or change the channel when that commercial comes on or i cry for the rest of the day.
once it came on while i was at the gym and i started crying on the treadmill and had to leave. cripes.
i never considered murderous rage as an alternative feeling! yay! murder!!

CatZilla said...

Aww, Jess! That's sad! Don't feel bad though.

Once when I was at the gym I...ahem...farted while on the treadmill, not thinking about it, know...I had my earbuds in and I couldn't hear just sort of stared at me all crazy...until I realized what I had done. Yeah. Way more embarrassing. I Promise.

I just get gassy when I exercise...

Brandi said...

That Shit was HILARIOUS! I totally agree!