I do things out of spite all the time. It’s what I live for. People who know me best know that they should never tell me NOT to do something because it rarely works out in their favor. Big Dinosaur has even figured out that it works in reverse! It’s how he gets me to do things I hate, like laundry. “Don’t do the laundry; I want to do it tomorrow.” Asshole.
Let’s say there is a big red button and over the button is a big sign, “DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON.” In all caps. Just like that. Yelling. And under that sign is a smaller sign that says, “No, seriously. The world will end. Don’t do it.” All convincing like.
Even if I didn’t want to push the button in the beginning, the mere fact that the sign told me NOT to push it makes it irresistible to me. I HAVE to push that button or I will DIE. And then of course when I push it, we all die because the button is attached to a lever that pushes a bowling ball down a ramp and into a glass wall that immediately shatters destroying the entire fabric of time because that’s the way shit works! You’re welcome!
So the other night Big Dinosaur and I are checking into a Hotel after about a 10 hour drive through the Great State of Texas. The place is virtuously abandoned because…well…it’s Dumas, Great State of Texas…not a lot going on ‘round there. We met a teeny -weenie old lady who said she owned the place. She had the biggest grin on her face. Honestly it was creepy. I thought for a minute she was going to eat us. She was watching Spanish “No-vellas” and when I asked her if she spoke Spanish she gave me the stink eye and said, “Nope.” Apparently it was the only TV station that came in without cable. Did I mention that we only stay at the classiest joints?
On top of the check-in counter was one of those shiny, silver, push button bells. Big Dinosaur saw me eyeing the bell and shakes his head “No!” But he already knew it was coming. It was far too late. He couldn’t stop it. His arms were full of luggage so he can’t even physically restrain me. The very second ‘Teeny-Weenie’ turns her back to charge our card…. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DINGDINDDINGDINGDINGDINGDIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGG!! ‘Teeny-Weenie’ is so damn startled she maybe peed herself a little while Big Dinosaur just hung his head in shame. Don’t try to change me dude. It’s who I am.
My life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to go out of my way to do the things people tell me not to. Who makes up all these “Don’ts” anyway? Don’t eat raw cookie dough or uncooked pasta. Don’t feed the goldfish Cheez-its. Don’t let the dog eat at the table. Don’t wear your pajamas to the bar. Don’t stand facing everyone else in an elevator. Don’t wipe your boogers on the back of the couch. Don’t teach the small children swear words. Have you ever heard a 2 year-old say “Son-of-a-bitch?” It’s flipping hilarious!
|Your shit? It's weak.|
Oh and this picture, it has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just wanted you all to be aware of how awesome I am when I've been drinking whiskey.