Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Day in the Life

This morning when I got to work I felt like total monkey balls.  I have no idea if it was the energy drink and peanut butter (directly out of the jar) that I had for breakfast or possibly a cold.  Maybe the entire box of chardonnay I had for dinner.  Not sure.

Just so you know, I was still completely productive with the lights off in my cubby-hole and managed quite well to hide the smell of wine and shame emanating from my pores.  People kept coming up to me, asking me to help them with Excel or whatever.  So I made a special graph and hung it up in the entrance of my cubby hole.

It helped keep the “worky-worky” types at bay, which in turn gave me plenty of time to read funny shit on the internet.  Don’t theses people know that work was created as a façade to allow like-minded, funny people of the world to congregate on the internet during normal business hours??

A little later, once I realized that I had read every post ever written by The Bloggess, I decided I should start on some reports for the office.  After all, they were due two weeks ago.  

I ran through all the monthly surveys we get back from the patient’s in our clinic.  It came back with some doctors getting 150 surveys returned and some getting 3.  So basically we base our entire practice’s productivtiy on patients’ wildly inaccurate survey scores.

The docs take these scores VERY seriously and if scores are bad, the get pissy.  Therefore, I judge them for who they are as a person by their wildly inaccurate survey scores.   Any time a doctor is rude to me, I just think to myself, “Oh yeah, that’s Dr. Kramer.  He had 3 surveys returned and one of them had bad scores which brought down the other perfect scores so that his overall score was bad.  He must be an asshole.”  I sometimes feel like telling them to their face.  “Don’t be a dick to me!  I know all about your shitty scores!!”

So anyway, this month our scores were pretty good and I finished up the report in about 30 minutes.  If I wasn’t such a procrastinator I could have had it finished well before my deadline.  Damn you internet!  I figured since I got that one finished so quickly that I would have plenty of time to finish the other monthly report I do.  So…MORE INTERNET!!

Next thing you know it was lunch.  And I tell you what, I was feeling pretty good.  Not about how well I had done at work, I mean my hangover is about half way gone.  I figured the best way to get that moving on is some super greasy carbs.  We happen to have a kick ass hamburger joint down town so the ladies and I headed that way.  That’s another thing I love about The Great State of Texas, it was December 12th and 75.  Our walk was pleasant, minus the homeless man pissing on the sidewalk.  

At Jake’s I decided that the burger and fries would not nearly be enough, so I had them add chili and cheese to the fries and got a Miller Lite to wash it all down.  Don’t judge me, my tolerance can handle one or four beers on my lunch break.  No biggie.   Needless to say lunch was a success.  

Back at the office my boss thanked me for my “excellent report” I sent it.  YESSSSS.  So I rewarded myself with StumbleUpon for the next two hours.  I made some phone calls during the last two hours.  I told you I was productive!! Damn, they should pay me more.

I drive the hour home through the morons and when I get there I first feed my fish.  I have 3 rainbow colored guppies named Ed, Ed and Eddy.  Eddy is the green one and Ed is pink and Ed is orange.  Then I have a fancy goldfish….named Fancy.  Also there is a regular red goldfish named Ted.  He used to have a best friend named Bill, but they ate him.  Last but not least is the picasimus named Cowboy.  Because the cowboys SUCK! HA!

About half an hour later Big Dinosaur gets home.  We pretend like we are going to change clothes and go to the gym then one  We entertain each other with made up stories, plenty of which you will see on here, I’m sure.  Then I made dinner.  I felt bad about blowing my diet on lunch, so I made some friend chicken and cheesy mashed potatoes so that I could eat my feelings.  We sat on our asses and I usually read while he watches TV.  Then we went to bed.  

Tah-Dah!  Aren’t you so glad I shared all this with you??  You’re welcome!!

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