Yeah, We're Dumb

My great friend Susan over at Susan Says… sometimes writes posts about being dumb entitled, “The Two Stupidest People on Earth Live in Our House Part 1 and Part 2.”  Although I don’t think Susan is anywhere near stupid, (she’s actually quite brilliant) I have decided to jump on this bandwagon, mainly because Big Dinosaur and I figured something out this weekend that has been messing with us ME for the entire year and a half we have lived in our apartment.  So Susan, we win. We are by far stupider and possibly the stupidest on Earth.

The story begins when we first moved in.  The lighting in our apartment is relatively good, all except for in the bedroom.  The switch in the bedroom looks like this.

Yeah, confusing, I know.  The four little buttons on the far left side control the fan speed, “High, Med, Low and Fan Off” The horizontal switch is also to turn the fan completely off.  The big green button that says “Light” well that works the light. (Durrr)  So then the normal switch on the right actually just works one outlet in the corner of the room.  This happens to be the outlet where I plug in my phone charger so it’s a really big pain in my ass when someone accidentally turns it off because I die when my phone dies, so that shit is just plain dangerous.

Back to the lighting.  The light in the fan was always really, really dim and it bugged the shit out of me.  I am very aware that I could have bought a lamp and that the “normal switch” is probably intended for working a lamp but I didn’t fucking want to okay?!

Over the past year and a half I have made it my mission in life to figure out how to get the bedroom brighter, without a lamp.  I bought one halogen bulb, but it was too long and it pressed against the glass bowl.  Being a worrier, I pretty much just knew this was bad.  Not sure WHY it was bad, it just was.  So I got another, shorted halogen bulb that was shorter.  This worked great for brightness, only problem, it flickered ALL NIGHT LONG.  It was a really subtle flicker, and you couldn’t see it if you closed your eyes, so I dealt with it as long as I could until one night it finally made me bat-shit crazy and I pulled the bulb out in a furious rage.  

So then I went back to a regular bulb with like a gazillion watts. YEAH!!! That’ll show ‘em!!  But when Big Dinosaur found out, he said I couldn’t do that because the light-hole-thingy was only allowed to have like 60 watts or something.  I told him that was stupid and it would be fine and he told me I would burn down the apartment and because the fan is directly over the bed where we sleep I took that bulb out too.

About 2 months ago I gave up.  Yes, that’s right; the most stubborn person in the world gave up. I put back in the original dim bulb that came with the apartment and sulked for a few days in our dungeon room. 

Last night, something magical scary happened. I was laying in bed and I had just taken out my eyeballs and Big Dinosaur got up to turn out the light (because it’s his job because he’s closer even though he doesn’t need to take his eyeballs out) and by accident held down the “Light” button for a second.  The room got darker, but not quite dark.  We were both a little stunned.  Big Dinosaur said, “What was that?”  And I said, “NOOOOOOOO SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! I HOPE THAT’S NOT STUCK THAT WAY!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS LIGHT!!!”  Ok, maybe I was a little more stunned than he was.  But like I said, I’ve been doing battle with this thing for the past year and a half, so, you know, I was mad and stuff.

Then for some miraculous reason, he held it down again.  And it went out, then back on, then brighter and brighter AND BRIGHTER until we had the brightest room in the fucking universe!!!! Turns out, we have a dimmer that was always stuck on “too fucking dim” because Big Dinosaur and I were too fucking dim to realize we had a FUCKING DIMMER!!!  

The downside?  Now I can see how dusty our room is.  Damnit. 

Told you, Susan, we win.

Liam Saw Jesus at Craker Barrel

  Last Monday night my family got together, like we often do, to celebrate Birthdays.  I have a really large family with 2 older brothers and 2 older sisters and I am the only one who doesn’t have any kids, *Ahhh, the pressure* so we tend to combine Birthday dinners to make it more cost efficient for all of us.  It works.

So Monday night we all went to Cracker Barrel to have us one hell of a shindig and celebrate 3 Birthdays.  We pushed 4 tables together and made one giant square table that our servers were not very happy about.  Well, we weren’t very happy about having to sit at two separate tables, so there.  

After dinner the Birthday peoples got desert and of course the younger peoples got to share.  Here is Liam reaching to steal Briana’s “Bit of Heaven” chocolate cake.

And here is Liam getting his very own piece.

After eating about half his “Bit o’ Heaven,” Liam all of a sudden looked up at me with his Chaplin-Stache of chocolate.  His eyes got big and he reached out his hand and pointed at something behind me.  In this tiny, excited but whispery voice he said, “Oooooo, Jeasssusssss.”

My first thought, of course, was that The Rapture  The end of the world The Zombie Apocalypse had come and I tried to think of the last time I “got right” with The Big Man.  I mean, if a 2 year old is seeing the Son of God after eating a “Bit o Heaven” chocolate cake at Cracker Barrel, shit is about to get real, son.  

I quickly turned around to make sure it wasn’t just some hipster bum who had wandered in, and of course I saw no one where he was pointing.  After all, they don’t allow hipsters in Cracker Barrel, I saw a sign. 

I looked back a Liam and he just smiled and nodded, “Jeassussss.”  

Finally I look at my sister, Sarah and she’s saying to Liam, “No, we’re not going today.  Not today.”

What. The. Fuck is going on?!?!

I look across the table at my other sister Jenny, and she looks about as perplexed as I am and finally she asks, “Is he saying ‘Jesus’??  Sarah looks up and says, “Hahahaha! No!! Why the hell would he be saying Jesus?!?  He’s saying ‘Cheeses!’  He sees the Chuck E Cheese across the street!!” 

Holy shit.  Talk about giving a bitch a heart attack!  What’s even better is that from where we were sitting, you can’t even SEE the words “Chuck E Cheese” or even the big picture of the happy rat head.  Liam could pick it out by the size and color of the building. 

I laughed so hard I cried, and maybe peed a little.

Best. Family. Dinner. EVER!

The Doctor Can't Fix Stupid

Actual telephone conversation from yesterday:

Me:  Blah blah blah, bullshit, blah blah? <- Shit I have to say when I answer the phone.

Patient X:  Yeah, my ear has blood coming out of it.

Me:  *Alarmed*  Are you currently in any pain? Any Headaches??

X:  No.  No pain.  It's been bleeding for about 2 hours.

Me:  Okay...and you don't have any idea what could have caused it?

X:  No.  None.  There was this tickle in it....

Me:  A tickle?

X:  Yes

Me:  In your ear?

X:  Yes.

Me:  Hmm.....Okay....

X:  I may have scratched it....

Me:  You may have?

X:  Yes, honestly I don't remember...But I may or may not have scratched it with a toothpick.

Me:  A toothpick?!

X:  Maybe...


Me: ....  .....   ......  .....

**And now you're calling me, why??  To tell me that your an idiot?? I'm quite aware of that sir, what the hell else can we do for you?**

That thing on the end of the toothpick?  Brain matter.  Maybe.

I am NOT JOKING!  This exact conversation took place yesterday.  Now, I realize that sometimes there really are tickles in your ears and sometimes you really want to stick something in your ear to scratch it.  Please, for the love of Christ, DON'T USE A FUCKING TOOTHPICK!!!

That is all.  Carry on.

Yes, I'm a bitch. I know.

I would like to start this off with a disclaimer:
Believe it or not, I can be an incredible bitch.  Seriously.  I know you people don't always see it and I really do try to be a genuinely nice person 99.99% of the time.  You are about to witness the 0.01%.

Disclaimer 2:
When reading this, please keep in mind that this girl and I grew up in the same middle class, suburban neighborhood less than 2 blocks away from each other.  We went to the same Elementary school and Jr. High.  She had every opportunity that I had to continue her education but chose to drop out of school in the 8th grade and was pregnant with her first child at 16.  I'm not bashing drop-outs and I'm not bashing young mothers.  I am bashing this girls life choices which have apparently done irreparable damages.  I am honestly worried that this type of person is procreating at such a rapid rate.

Also, I  beleive there should be some sort of "Annoyance Level Evaluation" which people should be forced to take prior to being allowed to have a facebook account.  If you do shit like this, I will delete you.  Immediately.

That being said, ENJOY!!

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